The more the better, the bigger the better.

The meet up with Jessica babe ignited a spark in me.

I've been cracking my brain over which area to further develop the experiences I've gathered over the past two years, with a part of me missing the glitz and attention of the artificial social world, and with my budding interest in that showy world which seems so unattainable to most. It has been on my mind for quite some time, to perhaps give it a go and explore that hectic scope which will no doubt further educate me of the many other social skills essential for survival in this economically material world.

Perhaps it is time to delve back into the pretentious spectrum and put on an act, just as everyone else is. At the very least, there's an excuse to possess an awesome wardrobe and killer collection of gorgeous footwear.

Speaking of which, I just browsed Jimmy Choo up real and personal, and it was heaven. Also, that great looking jacket from Max&Co. Not to forget, the fabulous feel of the fabric of agnès b. Materialistic heaven provides a temporary relief.

All I wanted was to be simple and natural, but it seems being complicated and made up works much better in this world we're in. So hey, why not throw in the towel, go with the flow, and have a flamboyantly good time?

Life is too short to be an earthen ware. Might as well be a porcelain vase. And an expensive one, at that.

I guess I'm sick of being a doormat. Nice, yes. But it gets you nowhere.

The End

I have just lost everything, and in all honesty, it was a huge relief. There isn't the need to keep pushing myself when the drive has long been gone, being fuelled on purely by the mentality that "I have to do it for so-and-so" and "I can't abandon the ship now".

It has gotten to the point that every single person who walked through the door, I loathe them. Those same thoughts kept running through my mind, painting a poisonous picture of every single thing. Reminded me of the day when I walked away from the office because I couldn't make myself walk through its door. The kind of crushing pressure I put on myself. It will be my downfall one day.

"Why are you so weak?"

"When will you change for the better?"

"Why do you keep beating yourself up?"

"If you can't even handle the stress here, what about that of the outside world?"

Hurtful words, but filled with truth. Brutal honesty, but I'm too tired to retaliate or defend. There is no point in doing so. Just let it wash over like a tidal wave. It hurts, but you get over it. It slapped you around, but it's momentary.

Isn't that LIFE?

Reality sucks. No one said it was awesome.

My world may feel like crap to me, but so does that of many others. So why bother whining? Why bother with justification? Why not just shut up and let it be? Sinking or swimming? If it doesn't even bother me, then it really isn't much of your business.

So what if I once shone so brightly? It's all over. It's all in the past. The past is dust. Perhaps now I just want to be dirt?

Self-satisfaction comes in many forms.

Revelation?

To find yourself, you will have to first lose yourself.

To gain a brand new perspective, you will have to first lose everything, including losing yourself.

I wonder if that's true.

Knowing

Knowing, can be a good thing. At the same time, it can be a bad thing. Whichever nature it takes, depends on how one reacts to the situation of knowing.

You might open up a can of worms which you can't deal with, leading to knowing being a bad thing. Or you can emerge a better person, by learning to deal effectively with the revelation of knowing, which makes it a good thing.

So how will I deal with this new knowledge which I've stumbled upon? I'm taking the road of effective management. Somehow I will come out of it a better person, armed with the knowledge of having known, and with much better understanding of the situation.

Knowing can be a good or bad thing, depending on how you deal with it.

P.S. I'm madly in love with John Mayer. "Battle Studies" is awesome! A pity I can't sing along. Darn it for losing my voice.

I love Life. I am truly blessed to be alive. Everyday is a blessing and a miracle.

I love Life.

Urge

Urge (noun) - a force or impulse that urges; especially : a continuing impulse toward an activity or goal.

Extracted from Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary.

"I am sick. I do not have control over my life, and the only time when I feel I do, is when I cut myself."

Reading that gave me the urge to cut myself, but fortunately, I have better sense than to submit to it.

"You are not sick. You are just a normal person who is reacting to an abnormal circumstance."

Reading that made me teared, as I was reminded of the exact same words being told to me. But somehow deep down, I feel that there is something wrong with myself. Everyday, I'm fighting and learning to purge this thought. Yet every time, I saw the girl who told.

Inner demons. They are so hard to silence once you allow them to grow.

New Beginning.

Taking a little at a time, slowly treading into this new territory I've set my heart on, for now.

"Do you foresee yourself being in this industry, 10 years from now?"

The answer is something which I know very well right from the start. This passion is one which will burn out eventually. My heart has long been stolen by something else.

Whether I'll ever get the chance again to embark on my ultimate passion, is something which has been weighing on my mind ever since, and it's slowly imprinting a scar on me. A constant reminder of my failure in not having fought harder for myself. A heart-wrenching lesson learnt, and a heavy price to pay.

I've always counted on my lucky stars to have a smooth sailing life, advancing onto the next stage of life without any stumbling block. Not much effort was ever required from my part, which makes taking things for granted, even more convenient an option. I guess this is my retribution. A sign that I will have to pull up my socks now, otherwise I'm not going to get what I really want.

It is a difficult lesson, and it might, or might not be, a detour. I will like to believe that it is a detour. A stumbling block. I just have to learn to pick myself up and continue on towards my goal. I hope I will have more faith in this. I need to have more faith.

Time has been spent on allowing myself to crumble, and now it's time to pick everything up and reinvent myself. The tough cookie exterior is to be donned again.

I will give my best for what I've pledged myself to, and I will carry through with this new commitment. It is ALL or NOTHING. And I choose ALL.

I will not give up. Despair will be kept at bay.

For I am strong.