Feeling...

Trapped.

Like a bird in a cage.
 

Noël

Recently, I've been thinking about you.

You are always there, regardless of the distance and time. You are still there, despite what I've done to you.

I often wonder how things might have turned out if I've taken a leap of faith, but because I am selfish, I did not. I made you suffer. I pinned it all on you, with the worst excuses I can come up with. Yet despite all of that, you still stand by me. Up till today, you still make the effort for me.

Even though now you're always doing things for me in the name of "friends", I know that you still love me. Deeply. Thank you.

In another two months, time will mark the second anniversary of our acquaintance. I'll always remember how you fell in love with my humour and optimism. Even though one of those redeeming qualities has faded greatly. You saw the worst side of me, and yet you maintained that I was just under too much pressure. You take it all upon yourself.

Perhaps the greatest gift you presented to me was your patience. I always made you wait. You never walked away. Very silly of you.

No amount of apology on my part will be able to lessen the guilt I feel toward you. Perhaps I will bring those guilt with me till the very end.

Christmas. A new meaning to it. Not just because of your sacrifice, but because it is a part of who you are.

Noël.

Snow falls. Man of pure white built. The name so tenderly imprinted on the milky crusty ground.

Merci beaucoup, mon ami.

Merci beaucoup.

The Mist

This is it. The final step.

Have you ever wondered how the saying of "the heart weeps" feels like?

It's a tragic feeling. Your eyes don't shed the tears. It's the heart that's shedding those tears.

Time to put down the old frame, and to build a new one.

Goodbye...

Calm

I want this heart to stop beating because it is hurting too much.

That was what just went through my mind, and I wondered if somewhere else in the world, at this exact moment, someone else is hurting like I do. I need to write.

Was going through the list of people whom I can go to during such moment, and one by one, I cancel them out. Gave myself reasons as to why they won't be there for me. The smaller the list got, the worst I felt. Who is going to be there for you at 3AM in the morning? Can't think of anyone. So I cried even more. Feeling even worse.

Then I thought of what he wrote. "Means to be 24/7 ready for you." What sweet words, but from another man who is not my partner. From a friend.

The one person I desperately want to go to but can't, because I am so afraid that he will turn me away. That he will finally see the light of who I am, a total wreak, and rejects me.

The silence game. I can't take it anymore. It gives me bad thoughts which my mind spins stories out of. It's all just lies.

"I love you more than you can imagine. Remember that."

Lies. If you really love me, then you won't be playing the silence game. Why aren't you able to see that I'm hurting inside? Why is it that someone else whom I hardly ever meet can sense that something is wrong from just one text, but not you, who sees me daily? Is your ego really that important to you? I'm not even comparable or worthy to something so intangible and non-physical.

You open yourself up to someone, but one day they will turn around and stomp all over your exposed self.

I'm too much of a coward to end everything. I don't have the courage to cut so deep that the body won't heal. The only thing I can do is to numb myself. I want to drink. I want to feel the tiredness that envelops me with warmth. It tells me that everything will be all right. That it is all right to fall and fail. That I will stand up again. It tells me to go to sleep. To hand over myself in confidence to its blanket of security. That false sense of being protected from harm. Yes I know it's false, but at least it sooths and calms the chao within.

I want to disappear. I want to run away. I want to vanish so desperately but there's nothing I can do. Feels stuck in the middle of a two-way traffic. Fear. Too much fear.

I don't want to think and I don't want to feel anymore.

Nothing is worth it all. I can't see the light at the end. There's no fucking light like everyone says. It is bullshit. I feel so small. Like a speck of dust.

I want to be erased. Yes, people will be hurt. But they will get over it eventually. I just don't see the way out of this dark madness.

Take me away in my sleep. That will be the easiest way out.
Body, please just fail on me.
Let me go.

Get more sleep.

Received an email from the school indicating that there's a credit under my account, and whether I would like to request for a refund or to continue towards future enrolment. As much as I want to, I don't want to put myself through into finding out if there's even a chance for me to get enrolled again in future. It just pains too much to have yet another chance at hope, and to have it dashed again. Having been through it twice, I doubt there's any courage remaining for the third try.

I don't know.

I hate how things are turning out. Personally and professionally.

Speaking of which, it is better to walk away while one is still shining, rather than to fade away into obscurity. It is always better to leave a good parting impression than to screw everything up and destroy all ounce of good on your part.

I hope the fever goes away soon. Stupid viral infection.

On a parting note, I was wondering whether the pain of losing someone is diluted through the dispersion of that pain, over the lot of people who will feel the pain of that lost. Something along the line of pain sharing.

Wouldn't it be better if that is how thing works? Then the pain of losing a treasured one will be shared, and not as concentrated when dealt with individually. That will bring about another meaning to the word "society".

Thoughts are way too random and analytical. Or perhaps more philosophical.

I've been contemplating the closure of this space. It was created with a particular goal in mind, but now that the goal isn't there anymore, I don't know whether there's still any meaning in writing. It doesn't make sense to be penning down my depressive thoughts to the world, when I'm not the worst lot out there. So I ought to shut up and keep it to myself.

Sigh.

I should have ended my life when it was all shiny and bright. Right now, I'm just dull and faded. An over-washed fabric.

Not very exciting.

Good night world. I will try to love you more.

It's better to burn out than to fade away.

- Kurt Cobain

Of acceptance and letting go.

There are many things which I have to learn to let go. Otherwise, I will always be suffering in silence. Those invisible rangers stealing away a little of my soul, on a daily basis.

Please give me the wisdom to know better, and the strength to let go of things that shouldn't be held on to.

"If it's dead, don't go digging it up every five minutes to check if there's a pulse. It's dead, walk away."

- Richard Templar

Elise.

It is dead.

Accept that fact.

Let go of it.

Move on.

Create a better life.

Stop hurting.

Let go.