"Good on ya"

Talking to DB only further reaffirm my take on the situation. The familiarity of mutual comprehension and perspectives, only goes to enhance and entice the senses even more.

The following text from Babe stirs the emotions from within. How will I ever find the courage to leave this wonderful lady?

"The second half of the year has just begun. This is the best time to have a brand new start, and dump all the garbage behind! Good luck to the both of us! :)"

The private message from Her made my heart aches with intense longing and anticipation. Just how fast can time flies?


I am right to have stirred clear of the risky territory. The stupid act of crossing the boundary got me into trouble and I can only bear the consequences of the foolish actions. Just what made me crazy enough to sow expectations?

And the least you can do is to be upfront about it and deal with the situation like a real man does. The contradiction between your constant branding of wussy mannerism upon others, and that of the act from you in the moment of truth.

Disappointment is the greatest understatement at this moment.


Being consumed with grief is not my style of dealing with changes, and now it's time to get up and move on. There are many more moments of happiness to erase this insignificant grub.

Just as the conversation with DB.

"Knowing you, you just don't give up easily."

"I'm a fighter, or more blatantly, a weed. Refusing to give up and die."

"So what does that makes me?"

"Greenhouse plant. Given that you prefer your comfort zone."


I'm looking forward to the reunion with the likeminded souls. Of the intellectual fest of cultural differences and political ramblings. Not to mention, the wondrous indulgence of true blue wonky behaviours.

The parks and the river banks.

An all time favourite.

Gone

When the people you trust to protect you in times of trouble leave you to fend for yourself, it tells a lot.

The situation and relation are no longer the same.

It's going to take a while for the laughter to find its way back home.

In the mean time, all you'll get is a vacant soul.

You're right. I can trust no one but myself. Not even you.

Mighty Girlies

When I said I need to get out of here for a bit, it's not because work is stressing me out or that Life is being hard on me.

It is because I need to be with people who know and understand me. The real me.


I need to be with my girls who know my flaws inside out, yet embrace them and love everything about me. I need to be in the company of my girls who love me because of who I am, who appreciate my honesty and at times, bitchiness. I need to be with my girls who loves me, simply just because they do.

With them, I have no qualms with being myself. They don't judge, and I don't pretend. It's that simple.

Soon, the mighty trio will trod the streets together again. Soon.

"Let me love you the way I know best. In the past, in the present, and in the future."

Pain in the ass.

All along, I have this nagging suspicion that I have a sensitive digestive system, but I never go around to getting it checked and verified.

The certainty of the impending endless trips to the loo whenever I decided to be bad and eat whatever I want, is a sure enough indication of my state. So I reckon I can save the trip to the doctor.

However, I am officially sick and tired of trying to push my luck when it comes to food. I shall officially declare war and eat only what is harmonious with my system. I shall be good from now on! No more excitable or over-processed food!

I hate the rumbling and pain associated with ingesting non-agreeable food.

So I suppose I'm going to be a literal pain in the ass for whoever is going to dine with me from now on. At least I'm not the one suffering the pain in the ass. No more of that!

Well well well, this is such an agreeable entry.

Because I'm stupid.

I smashed my left middle finger between 2 rock glasses at work, and it hurt so badly that I had the shivers for 15 minutes. It sure wasn't easy trying not to cry from the pain.

I can be so accident prone at times, that I'm amazed it's not a superhero ability yet.

My finger is swollen and bleeding at the nail bed, thus I have to keep it straight. Therefore, I'm flipping everyone. Or so it seems. I think it's really wicked. Now I just have to sit back and await nasty confrontations.


Received a parcel today, and once again, I'm spoilt silly. Makes the injury slightly bearable.

I hate flowers and teddies as gifts, and they are exactly what I received. But I appreciate the thought and effort immensely.

Thank you love.

The nail bed is purple now, and it still hurts.

I'm going to ignore it by going to bed.

I'm stupid beyond belief.

Argh!

Delete contact details?

Many women throw themselves at you, and I can understand why. I should be proud that I have your attention, but I'll never allow myself to be one of them.

Thanks for being such a sweet man. Truth be told, I knew you kissed me on the cheek that night. Whatever that act encompass, it matters no more.

I've been blessed to have our paths crossed.

Goodbye.

Love-Hate

I've been an angry person over the weekend, so much so that I get upset over the littlest issue. It makes no sense to be such an irritable person.

I love my job a lot, but the hours are killing my social life. That is what's fueling my anger.

I promised myself to never be consumed by work again, but it seems like I'm doing just that.

I've been neglecting everyone. And I hate that.

Liar, Liar, pants on fire.

Happy Birthday.

I'm sorry I lied.

I wasn't scheduled for work in the morning.

I just wasn't ready to see you.

And so I lied.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22)

How well are you capitalizing on this year's unique opportunities, Virgo? Now that we're halfway through 2008, let's take an inventory. I'm hoping that six months from now, you'll look back and make the following declaration:

"I've learned more about love in the past 12 months than maybe I ever have. I've also become far more skilled in the art of making myself happy. And I've finally figured out how to purge some of the martyr-like aspects from my generosity, which means I'm better able to give without strings attached and I'm more attractive to interesting people who are inclined to give me things I really want."

Ce qui sera, sera.

"You always make me want to improve myself, you know. Because I want to make you happy every day. And because your smiles are the most precious treasures in my heart. In seven words : you are my reason to be, Elise. I love you. Je t'aime, ma Lisette bien-aimée."

There are so many things which I would like to declare and share about this amazingly wonderful man, yet the protective part of me wants to keep him hidden as a secret.

To keep him safe in my heart, where only I can love him, and no one else.

He has this amazing ability to leave me speechless, and now, makes me slightly selfish.


What makes it magical is the fact that he does things which I've always secretly hoped someone will do for me. This coincidence makes it seems almost too good to be true, and most time, that is the case.

It seems as though keeping him as a secret will be the answer to cushioning the moment of truth.

For I am a millionaire.

A young man contemplating marriage sought advice from Diogenes.

"Should I marry?"

"Marriage is too soon for a young man"

"Would you have me wait then until I am old."

"Oh no, Marriage is far too late for an old man."

"What am I to do then? I love the girl."

"Love is a luxury no one can afford. It is for those who have nothing better to do."

"What should we be doing then?"

"To seek freedom. But it is not possible to be free if you have a wife and children."

"But having a wife and family is so agreeable."

"Then you see the problem, young man. Freedom would not be so difficult to attain were prison not so sweet."

"You mean to be free is to be alone?"

"We come into the world alone and we die alone. Why, in life, should we be any less alone?"

"To live, then, is terrible."

"No, not to live, but to live in chains."

Know what?

I don't plan anymore.

I don't even know if I'll be embarking on varsity life or to go backpacking next year. I have yet to decide. As mentioned, varsity is the conditional life of almost everyone, and I really don't know if I want to go down that path. 4 years is too much planning and commitment for me at the moment.

I'm trying to make as little commitments as possible. I've cancelled my saving plan because 25 years is too darn long, and I've only serviced the policy for less than 2 years. 23 years left? Who knows if I'll still be around?

I've cancelled my mobile subscription as well, because I do not want to sign on for another 2 years. 2 years is a commitment nonetheless. I don't know if I'll be in Singapore next year.


I suppose I'm going through a phase of Acute Commitment Phobia. I do not want to be tied down. No restrictions please. I just want to be free and easy. It stems from the desire within me to just pack up and leave whenever I want to.

I no longer believe in planning for the future.

Looking back on the past is futile, and planning the future is unpredictable. Things change and so do people, much less plans. So yes, I'm living for the moment. Truth be told, I like it that way and I'm happy.

I smile and laugh so much nowadays that people wonder if I'm high on drugs or alcohol. I'm not. I'm on a natural high, simple as that. Simplicity is my drug of choice.


I'm not going to apologise for not being the daughter you wish I will be. I'm not going to apologise for my decision to do things I want, rather than what you want. I'm not going to apologise for not being similar to everyone else. I'm not going to apologise for choosing internal satisfaction over material comfort. I'm not going to apologise for not becoming who you want me to be.

Most times, you forget that I'm my own individual, and that I'm mature enough to handle the consequences of my decisions. I'm no longer a child, and should I make an unwise choice, I am only most willing to take the fall and learn to pick myself up. I know you're trying to protect me, but I'm not a greenhouse plant. I need to be out in the wild, taking on what the elements are going to lash at me. That's how I can learn and grow.

I know I will forever be your little girl in every sense, yet it isn't the same anymore. I know you love me, but if it's going to hinder me from painting my own canvas of life, then I rather you not do so. Besides, you've been absent from my life too darn long to start playing your role now. It doesn't work that way. Instead, it hurts a hell lot.

Don't dump me on the sidewalk, only to return years later, telling me you're sorry and giving me a hug. Nothing's going to change. The harm has been done and there's a long ugly scar to prove it. I believed that you're sincere and I showed you the scar. It's still as fresh as can be, and instead of helping to heal it, you rip it apart, making it bleed once again.

I've learned it's time to move on. I acknowledge your apology, but that is all there is to it. As much as I try to, I'm just not graceful enough to take you back. I don't have that capacity, yet.

My only apology is that we both have to go through such an event in our lives. Let's remember what we got out of it, and move on.


Know what?

I made a list of resolutions at the start of the year, and I'm going to scrape them.

I only need 2, and that is to BE HAPPY, and MAKE PEACE WITH MYSELF.

I started off the list with my apology to Melvin, and I will continue till I complete it. The hardest is left for the last, and that is the family.


I've said my piece, thus no more sadness or secret tears anymore.

Simplicity is happiness.

Whoever you are who's reading this; be it a stranger, an acquaintance, a friend, or a love one. I just want to say this from the bottom of my heart, that right at this moment . . .

I love you.

Times like these.

"I'm just so glad that she's finally found someone to take care of her. She deserves it."

"Oh yeah? Then do you need someone to take care of you?"

Have you ever tried really hard to pick up the pieces and move on, having established a really satisfying and fulfilling life, only to have some monsters from your past catch up with you and rip everything apart?

They tear you away piece by piece, doing it atom by atom, staring you in the eye, and telling you that you deserve it. That no one will ever love you and that is only because you deserve it. That you should stop hoping and thinking otherwise.

They scorn at your courage and attempt in walking out of the loop, and tease that you will forever be cuffed to it, in spite of all your efforts. They belittle you, stabbing a knife into your spinal cord, twisting the blade, mangling up your nerves and ability to move away once more.

They trap and corner you, treating you as a specimen and as a remainder of what you really ought to be.


Times like these are so tough to deal with, but you crawled out of it everytime. You heal yourself and begin walking, rebuilding everything you can with all you're left with.

Yet times and times again, those selfish and ugly monsters hunt you down and take you down.

You often wonder when will this end, and if there will ever be a happy ending for yourself. You latch on to whatever ounce of hope and faith that is left inside of you after each ordeal. You cling on tightly and you pushes on.


Is the silver lining a myth? Will there be sunshine after the rain? Is there really a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?

Life is tough. Others have it tougher.

You will survive this. You will walk out of it once more. Don't give up on me. You're a trooper and you know that. You're a fighter.

Believe once more.

Memory Lane II : Missed Call

Sitting by the window, I watched as the world outside rain.
The strong gush of wind, the pellet of rain.
Poor bushes. Swaying in the cold cold rain.
Tormented by the cold cold wind, while standing tall.
How admirable.

What's the future going to hold?
Will I still feel the way I do now, one year from now?
Is this one of the many periodic episodes?
The ones that come and go?

Will I look back, a few years from now, and laugh at myself?
Cos I certainly wish this is something special.
I've never felt this way before.
This kind of special-ness.
Is it going to last? Cos there really isn't such a thing as forever.
"While it lasts". That's what it is.

I wonder how many times has his sensibility overwrote his heart.
Baby... Dear... Darling... Silly...
Princess... Darling... Dear... Silly...
"Hey Princess..."

Why are you crying?
Because I miss him...
He'll be calling you tomorrow morning.
That's why I miss him.

Who's still keeping count?

Personally, I DO NOT believe that a person can stay drunk for 5 hours. If you have that much alcohol in your system, I would like to believe that you will be flat out cold instead. So don't take the oh-I'm-drunk-so-I-can-say-all-the-shit-I-want as an excuse for your pathetic need to have freedom of speech.

Say it out loud and sober like a real man.