The "L" word.

LACTOSE INTOLERANCE.

Most people tend to become lactose intolerant as they grow older. This is due to the body's decreased ability to break down lactose, as the body starts to produce lesser lactase, the enzyme required to break down the lactose in milk and dairy products into the simple sugars (glucose and galactose), which the body is able to absorb.

My body is now telling me that I'm OLD. That I'm old enough to become lactose intolerant. Thank you for the subtle message, my lovely body.

24 is not old.
   

It is NOT.
   

Status: ON

Defense mode has been triggered, and am now in the "avoidance" stage.

Next up will be "flight".

Well done Elise. You're doing it again.

Closed Quarters

The space in ones' head is probably the only place where silence can be obtained and where no betrayal will exist.

That is possibly true, until one loses the mind. That's when chaos reins the space and there will never be silence again.

Ever since Pine betrayed my trust, I've never trust enough again to confide my most inner thoughts to another.

When I say "I don't want to talk about it", that is as literal as it means.

Stop probing.

No matter the relation, some spaces are meant to be, and will always be, off limits.

I believe that there is a little part of everyone which they wish to remain the exclusive owner of.

And for me, the space in my head is exclusively mine.

   

Tonight...

I cried.

I cried for my inability to be there for Evee.

I miss her so.

  

Truth is...

I'm a really selfish person.

What I have at any point in time, will eventually become what I don't wish to be in possession of, and this has been a repetitive cycle.

The cycle has began, again.

Time to be a sinner, again.

 

Another one.

Some weeks back, was told that Pung went off to Sdyney for his Dental course, and saw his photos on Facebook today.

It hurts badly. It hurts so damn badly.

The familiar supermarts and the familiar sky. He's in Health Science faculty too.

So much similarities... So much hurt...

I hate feeling this way. I hate it so damn much.

I'm trying to make things work. I'm trying to find a way to make things work. There are so many things which I don't know about, and it feels as though I'm constantly feeling for a way through in the dark. Where are the adults in my life? Where are the grown-ups who are supposed to show me some guidance or give some support? Why in the world  do I always have to seek out solutions and resources on my own?

I know it helps me grow and makes me more independent, but sometimes I do wish for a shoulder to lean on, and a strong sturdy arm to hold me up when I'm tired.

I want it so bad, but I have no idea how to go about getting it. I'm stumbling in the dark and am just about exhausted.

Just have to hang in there more. One day I'll find it.

I just have to keep believing.

Faith.

Ooooommmmmmmmm.......

If trying to negotiate for a shelf space is tough, I wonder what length I'll have to go through to negotiate for a space as my "peaceful zone".

My mind is set on the space in front of the bed. I'm going to get it!

MOTIVATION!

ALL ATOMS IN THE UNIVERSAL... PLEASE VIBRATE TO MY FREQUENCY!

I think there's a theory to that... Hmm... Oh well.

=)

  

I wonder...

What kind of woman am I?
What kind of woman do I want to be?

How should I live my life?
What's my philosophy in life?

What kind of food do I want in my body?
Should I become a vegetarian?
Should I start off by being a flexitarianism?

What do I want out of life?
What do I want to do?
What is my passion?

Do I love enough?
Am I selfish?
Will I ever be happy?

Will I ever fulfill my dream?
Will I get to do what I want to do?

What am I all about?
What's my purpose for existing?

If loving means hurting?
If I'll ever be ready?

Who am I?

Who is Elise?
 

Weiliang

There are some people whom you can never forget. Such as one's first love.

It's been 7 years. Yet the memories are still as vivid.

The brain is indeed a really funny thing.

Adam Kling - Get Together Tonight

Give me one reason if you got one reason said there ain't no reason that we shouldn't get together tonight.

Give me one reason if you got one reason said there ain't no reason that we shouldn't get together tonight.

Well I can see you had a rough day baby, well maybe I can loosen you up.

And I can see you need a refill baby, well maybe I can fill up your cup.

And if we do a slow song, maybe we can hold hands, dancing till the song ends,  then we'll look up.

And if our eyes meet, smiles cracking, arms don't fall, then we'll both know that we're gonna hook up.

Give me one reason if you got one reason said there ain't no reason that we shouldn't get together tonight.

Give me one reason if you got one reason said there ain't no reason that we shouldn't get together tonight.

I'm sending you an invitation, respondez-vous s'il vous plait.

I let you pick the time, day or night, there is no reason to stay home tonight.

I know that you're not pre-occupied, that you are bored and you're not tired.

Just think you can be here in a week's time. There is no reason to stay home tonight.
Come on by, anytime to say hi, night or day, day or night.
I'm always open for you. I'm hoping that you will show.

Give me one reason if you got one reason said there ain't no reason that we shouldn't get together tonight.
Give me one reason if you got one reason said there ain't no reason that we shouldn't get together tonight.

Well I can feel that there's a new day coming, something's telling me from deep down inside.
I think it's time I stop the all day yawning, something's waking up with much better signs.

And all the while, it was you, it was you and your smile, that carry me from day to day.
And I have to say, now that we are face to face, there ain't no place to run away.

Give me one reason if you got one reason said there ain't no reason that we shouldn't get together tonight.
Give me one reason if you got one reason said there ain't no reason that we shouldn't get together tonight.
 

16th February 2010

Supposedly, this date is meant to mark the start of an importantly new chapter in my life. Yet as we all know, things change. It certainly did.

2 entire years of planning and waiting blown to dust. Perhaps it is just being postponed. Perhaps it is never meant to be at all. Who knows for sure? Definitely not me.

CHANGE

We don't like it, we fear it.

But we can't stop it from coming.

We either adapt to change, or we get left behind.

It hurts to grow.

Anybody who tells you it isn't, is lying.

But here's the truth.

Sometimes, the more things change, the more they stay the same.

And sometimes, sometimes change is good.

And sometimes, change is everything.

- Grey's Anatomy

It doesn't hurt anymore when I think about it, but the occasional brush with a similar circumstance brings upon the nostalgia, which seeps in and ruffles my emotion. It can get a little upsetting, but that is all there is to it.

Time does heal. It's a game of patience. There isn't any winner or loser at the end of it, but just about a state of being. Being able to comprehend. Being able to accept. Being able to embrace. Being able to get over it. Being able to move on.

Time to go.

Thanks for being the very first thing I ever wanted in my life. Thanks for bringing me through all the great adventures, even though the ultimate destination is not reached. Thanks for everything that came along.

It is time to go.

As they like to say... Time to move on to a greener pasture.

And whether the next pasture is really greener? That, we'll see.

Feeling...

Trapped.

Like a bird in a cage.
 

Noël

Recently, I've been thinking about you.

You are always there, regardless of the distance and time. You are still there, despite what I've done to you.

I often wonder how things might have turned out if I've taken a leap of faith, but because I am selfish, I did not. I made you suffer. I pinned it all on you, with the worst excuses I can come up with. Yet despite all of that, you still stand by me. Up till today, you still make the effort for me.

Even though now you're always doing things for me in the name of "friends", I know that you still love me. Deeply. Thank you.

In another two months, time will mark the second anniversary of our acquaintance. I'll always remember how you fell in love with my humour and optimism. Even though one of those redeeming qualities has faded greatly. You saw the worst side of me, and yet you maintained that I was just under too much pressure. You take it all upon yourself.

Perhaps the greatest gift you presented to me was your patience. I always made you wait. You never walked away. Very silly of you.

No amount of apology on my part will be able to lessen the guilt I feel toward you. Perhaps I will bring those guilt with me till the very end.

Christmas. A new meaning to it. Not just because of your sacrifice, but because it is a part of who you are.

Noël.

Snow falls. Man of pure white built. The name so tenderly imprinted on the milky crusty ground.

Merci beaucoup, mon ami.

Merci beaucoup.

The Mist

This is it. The final step.

Have you ever wondered how the saying of "the heart weeps" feels like?

It's a tragic feeling. Your eyes don't shed the tears. It's the heart that's shedding those tears.

Time to put down the old frame, and to build a new one.

Goodbye...

Calm

I want this heart to stop beating because it is hurting too much.

That was what just went through my mind, and I wondered if somewhere else in the world, at this exact moment, someone else is hurting like I do. I need to write.

Was going through the list of people whom I can go to during such moment, and one by one, I cancel them out. Gave myself reasons as to why they won't be there for me. The smaller the list got, the worst I felt. Who is going to be there for you at 3AM in the morning? Can't think of anyone. So I cried even more. Feeling even worse.

Then I thought of what he wrote. "Means to be 24/7 ready for you." What sweet words, but from another man who is not my partner. From a friend.

The one person I desperately want to go to but can't, because I am so afraid that he will turn me away. That he will finally see the light of who I am, a total wreak, and rejects me.

The silence game. I can't take it anymore. It gives me bad thoughts which my mind spins stories out of. It's all just lies.

"I love you more than you can imagine. Remember that."

Lies. If you really love me, then you won't be playing the silence game. Why aren't you able to see that I'm hurting inside? Why is it that someone else whom I hardly ever meet can sense that something is wrong from just one text, but not you, who sees me daily? Is your ego really that important to you? I'm not even comparable or worthy to something so intangible and non-physical.

You open yourself up to someone, but one day they will turn around and stomp all over your exposed self.

I'm too much of a coward to end everything. I don't have the courage to cut so deep that the body won't heal. The only thing I can do is to numb myself. I want to drink. I want to feel the tiredness that envelops me with warmth. It tells me that everything will be all right. That it is all right to fall and fail. That I will stand up again. It tells me to go to sleep. To hand over myself in confidence to its blanket of security. That false sense of being protected from harm. Yes I know it's false, but at least it sooths and calms the chao within.

I want to disappear. I want to run away. I want to vanish so desperately but there's nothing I can do. Feels stuck in the middle of a two-way traffic. Fear. Too much fear.

I don't want to think and I don't want to feel anymore.

Nothing is worth it all. I can't see the light at the end. There's no fucking light like everyone says. It is bullshit. I feel so small. Like a speck of dust.

I want to be erased. Yes, people will be hurt. But they will get over it eventually. I just don't see the way out of this dark madness.

Take me away in my sleep. That will be the easiest way out.
Body, please just fail on me.
Let me go.