I'm on the plane to Perth and up till now, it still feels so surreal. Like I'm in a dream and I'll wake up from it at any moment.
The devastating news about Adrian just sent my emotions into a total chaos and I'm feeling really really confused and mangled up inside.
Wee Hiong, Jie Yang, Shawn, Jun Hao, Cheryl, Farhana and Michelle. They all looked sad. And me? I pretended to be really happy, and overdid it. It's pretty obvious I guess. Overly excited and overly happy. Even overly appreciative. But I did told Cheryl, that despite me feeling really upset deep down over Adrian, I really really do appreciate them coming over. They stayed with me till I went in. We waved several goodbyes.
I cried like a baby on the way to the airport and caused my dad to worry about me. I'm ok dad. I'm ok. I'm just really shattered. My heart I mean. And I finally did tell my dad what I feel. And I finally did wrap my arms around him. Though I never did manage to say "I love you".
I told Aunt Joyce and Aunt Stella about what I feel. But I never did tell Aunt Stella that I treasured her Parker pen. Of the pen's significance to me.
I hugged my gramp, but I never did tell her how much I cared. I wish her well. I've never been a really good grand-daughter.
I pretended to be ok in front of everyone else, but I can't pretend in front of myself. For one, I can never lie past myself. Once again, I cried. On the plane. While watching "John Tucker Must Die". Whenever they mentioned "high school", my heart just broke some more, and more tears came out. As usual, I cried in the dark. I keep telling myself, "It's gonna be all right Elise. It's gonna be all right". I stopped for a second, but my emotion got the better of me.
I've been wondering and thinking about you the whole time. How injured are you, are you all right? What happened? I so wanted to talk to you, to hear your voice. Even if it's for a second. But Nicole said it wasn't a good time. I left you a voice message. I wonder if you'll get it. I treasured every moment too. I really did. Thank you for everything Adrian. Thank you.
I wish I was there. I wish I could just see you. I wish I could just see everything with my own eyes. To make sure that this isn't a joke. To know the truth so that I won't imagine the worst. Like I am now. I'm having a splitting headache from all the crying. My eyes feel like they're gonna pop out any second. Stop crying Elise. Stop.
I felt so bad. The night I met you, such horror happens to you. I know you're gonna meet your friends. I know there's trouble. I should have sense something. You said you'll message me, but you didn't. I thought you were just busy or perhaps have fallen asleep. You've always kept your promises. I should have known when I don't see a message from you in the morning. I should have sense something.
I'm terribly sorry Adrian. I'm terribly sorry. We shouldn't have talked about the possibility of something bad happening to any of us, and that we might never know. We shouldn't have discussed about it so many time. We shouldn't have. What you said came true. Between then and me leaving for Perth, things can still happen. I feel so guilty Adrian.
I shouldn't have talked about the whole middleman issue. I shouldn't have. Now something bad has happened to you.
I just wish I could turn around while boarding the plane, and just go to you. I'm so afraid I'll be so affected that I can't concentrate and focus on the main purpose. You said you wanna be a role model for me. To inspire me. You are my role model. I look up to you. What's gonna happen now?
I have to be strong now. I have to deploy the shield I developed to protect myself. I will be strong till I hear from you. I will promise to focus. I will tough it out till I hear from you. Do not imagine the worst Elise. Do not.
But when will I hear from you? One week? One month? Is our April still gonna come true? Will I get the chance to take the bus ride I never knew existed? Will there be the week or two?
Adrian I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I've never been totally honest with you. I'm so sorry.
Be well my dear. I wish my thoughts could fly the 3000 old miles to you. Be well.
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