Ghost

Starting to lose sleep again, and of all times, it has to be a week away from the follow-up appointment at NUH.

The cycle started the night after I told Jessica babe about my probable decision regarding Flinders. She was pretty shocked and commented "But you've spent so long thinking about it!" That is the true fact of the matter. I have spent the past two years planning and looking upon the day to come, and just shortly before the final realisation of this "dream", I realised that it might not be what I've always thought it to be.

What a contradiction. A huge one, to top it off.

Hasn't have the time to calmly think about every factors surrounding this issues, and have yet to speak to Old Bean about it. Uncertain of his reaction to my decision, when he has already said that my main concern will be to deal with my studies, and everything else will be dealt with by him. He is truly the rock in my life. My Superman. Yet, will I have the heart to put him through another four years of financial strain? I'm finally working and being fully financial independent, and this has been a huge relief for myself. I'm sure it has been a relief in a way for him too. Adding to that, the imbecile of a brother who's living off the family and not feeling embarrassed or guilty about it. I doubt I will be as selfish. I have been, for way too long in the past, and I'm glad that it's finally out of my system. So why will I justify the attempt to get back into it?

I'm glad that I've been given the precious opportunity to head to Perth for a short period, and to see and understand that the world is as vast as we can ever imagine. I crave and lust for that opportunity again, but now just isn't the time. I've just been too stubborn to face it, must less admit it. All these changed when Hendrik came into the picture. He made me realised that some things just cannot be avoided by simply running away. And yes, I'm trying to find the courage and strength to admit and deal with things which I've been running away from for years.

Recently, the emotion of having to give up Flinders is starting to dawn upon my heart, and the aches of a broken heart is thumping endlessly. Tears have been shed and I was reminded of the time when I received the letter which told the fate of my unsuccessful admission for year 2008. The heartache I felt then seems to be back, although a little less forceful this time around. But still, a lost is a lost. Even if it comes from an impending one.

To be stubborn and to venture on, will be the ultimate selfish act, and the most irresponsible. It will mark who I want to be for the rest of my life. A woman who runs away at the sight of a problem. What kind of wife and mother will I be then? What kind of values will I instill in my future child? Before I can nurture someone, I will have to first nurture myself.

No longer the youth I once was, or even an young adult (shamelessly trying to hold on to that title will just be an immature act), I have to take into consideration the people around me. Only those who matters of course. Not every Tom, Dick or Harry, or May, Jean or Mary.

I fear the final realisation, and of the time when I have to admit that it has been a mistake which I have been chasing for so long. Maybe it isn't, maybe it is. I don't know. All I know is that I'm feeling lost, and feeling really vulnerable because of that. The wind has shifted and the tide has changed. Time for a new course. Being the captain of one's own vessel is indeed never easy. I can simply choose to indulge in the easy option of conforming to the norm, and leading a comfortable and acceptable life. But that will never rest well with myself. Deep inside, I need more than that to nourish my soul and being. Material is only as realistic and material as it can get, and I will not base that as the bottomline of my existence. It took a great turn in life for me to realise that, and I am never allowing myself to go back to that unhappy path again.

The most important goal now is to sort out those entanglements in me, and to seek a definite direction soon.

As much as that is my goal for now, one question lingers however.

Will opportunity knock twice?

I know not of, and I can think not of.