Over the rainbow.

Looking at Yannie's graduation photos on Facebook makes me feel really happy for her, and also re-establishes the fact more firmly that I will have to depend on myself from now on. What I hope to achieve shall start from me, and no longer can I hope that someone else (for example - the parental) will provide for me and to make my wish come true.

One day, I will be a varsity graduate.

It was an almost attainable dream, thanks to the parental, but because of a slight twist of fate, it wasn't meant to be. I've been so hung up on it that it's eating me alive. Looking through Yannie's photos made me realise that my dream is still attainable, but this time around, I will have to attain it with my own means. No more being dependent on others. It is definitely a much greater challenge, but things will happen as long as you believe, want it bad enough, and is willing to work towards it.

I believe. I also want it tremendously. And I am willing to work towards it.

Went for an interview earlier in the day and everything went pretty well. I have a good feeling about it, but Hendrik being Hendrik, told me not to put too much hope into it. Told him that I'm going to write down, on a piece of paper, countless times "I will get the job with ***" and he laughed at me. I do believe that positive reinforcement helps. I shall radiate all the positive cosmic energy towards me!

Sometimes I wish that he will be more encouraging. He can be such a wet blanket at times. 

I really hope I get the job, successfully complete the training, and do well in the selected field. Other than being able to bring me closer to my dream, this is also an exciting opportunity to develop another set of skills and to bring me up-to-date with the world market. Something I have been avoiding for years.

It is all down to me now. Everything that I want from now, I will get it with my own means. There will be no one else except for myself now. Took me a while to grab this notion, but I'm glad I did. Helped changed my perspective, which is really crucial.

I believe. I want it tremendously. I will work for it.

One day, I will be a varsity graduate.

One day, I will go into health science.

First up though, I want to get that job.

I will get that job!

Positive reinforcement.

C'est la vie.

Life is Good.

I don't have the urge to share any of my thoughts again. Perhaps it'll be a phase, perhaps it will not be. Maybe there will be a new ground. Otherwise this might be locked. Still contemplating.

There are many things on my mind. Am I a late bloomer? Seeing the things that others have achieved is bringing me into yet another self-beating. Why the constant disparagement against myself? One day it will bring me down for good. One too many trip-up and it may one day be permanent.

I'm constantly sad. But does that means I'm unhappy? Is there an exclusive relationship between sadness and unhappiness? Is there any identifiable links between sadness and unhappiness? Can you be happy but sad? Can you be sad but happy? How about happy, yet sad? And sad, yet happy? Words. They are a tricky bunch.

Am I a thinker? Am I a healer? Am I a teacher? Am I a learner? Am I none of those? Am I any of those? I am an occasional reader. Sometimes I just glance through sentences without absorbing the meaning to it. I'm anxious to get to another paragraph. Another paragraph which interests me.

I hate ingesting solids. I hate it because I hate seeing what comes out of it. I hate putting things into my body which makes me feel ill or at unease. I have a poisonous vermin in my mind, worming an intricate network of subliminal messages. I am made of clay.

Clay... That unfinished piece of art. How long has it been now? It has been a good 8 years, yet it still haunts me. I suppose I'm meant to finish it. I think I should. I need peace. Inner peace. That is precious.

I miss you. Do you know that? I cried while talking to you over the phone. Did you know that? It hurts me to know what's going on in your life right now. Do you know that?

Sometimes I think I am desperate. Desperate for a way out. Out of where? Out of this environment I loathe, or just plain out of my mind? The mind makes what you feel of everything. So perhaps it is my mind that I want out of.

August is approaching. It is going to hurt real badly. Time to hibernate from the truth.

Time to run.

Time to take flight.

Time to say goodbye.

One, Two, Outta My Shoe.

Don't forgive me. There's no point in doing so. I will only end up doing the same thing, or even worse. I'm so screwed in the mind that I'm hopeless. Nobody can save me. Even I don't want to save myself anymore.

I started with zero, and I'm going to end up with zero.

I just know it. The stage has been set.

Get lost and find a happiness befitting for you. You don't belong in this insane playground. Nobody does.

   

Starting from ZERO.

You're too hard on yourself.

Haven't we had this conversation two years ago?

When you keep pushing someone's button, you're testing the boundaries. But when they push your button in return, you clam right up.

Yeah. The more I push their button, the further they expand. But I just go inwards. What a contradiction.

In a relationship, you're the abnormal one.

What do you mean abnormal?

Well, people tend to react in a certain way, and that's normal. But you react in a totally different way, and that's abnormal.

I don't know why I do the things I do. I don't know why I feel the way I feel. Being in a state of limbo, and so out of place. I constantly push everyone away as a justification to my direction-less advance in life. Am I capable of being happy? It's as if all is just a pretense. A pretense of being all right. A pretense of being normal.

I started with zero, and I'm going to end up with zero.

I don't know why.

  

There's a bird in my brain.

I know I'm in the wrong, but the crazy thing is, I don't feel that I am. The mind and the heart are at war now. I think I'm going crazy. Just how in the world does my heart justify my grave mistake as being all right?

I need my mind to be in control again.

I'm slowing losing myself.

And just why is it that I don't feel any regret in my action?

I really am going crazy.

Starting to lose all sense of right and wrong.

  

Feeling like....

A GOD-DAMNED LOSER.