Nobody's child.

I thought I did a good job with myself. I don't smoke, I don't do drugs, I don't drink heavily, I don't get myself knocked up, and I don't give my folks undue worries.

I got through my educational path smoothly, and even manage to sort out what is it that I want out of life. I kept a level-head when I was in Perth, and didn't abuse my freedom by going all out crazy on experimentation.


But in the end, I was told I wasn't doing good enough. Because I didn't do what everyone else was doing. Because I didn't choose to get a proper 9-5 job and instead, getting casual work so that I can spend some time doing voluntary work.

I wasn't doing good enough in comparison to those youths, a few years younger than me, who are working and studying at the same time. Who have higher financial power than me.

I just wasn't good enough.


"Money makes the world goes round."

And I just wasn't good enough in that sense.


But you know what? I'm not going to let you get to me, because there are people who loves me for who I am. By feeling defeated, I'm letting them down.

I have been very brave, very independent, and have grown up a lot. I turned out right, despite having minimal guidance. Something which you might not even do as well.

So I am definitely not a nobody's child. I am my own child.

Try hitting me with something harder next time.

Broken up inside.

So what is it like to grow up in a broken family?

Personally, I was made to grow up much earlier than expected. Having to shuffle between school and family court, and it didn't help very much that majority of my classmates have no idea what I was going through, and concluded that I was being an attention seeker. And the result of that? I was boycotted.

Heartwarming environment for a 13 year old, isn't it?


How about having to face an imposing authoritative figure, asking you to choose between your mother and father? So many things were said to me, with regards to whom I should choose to go with.

It was then that the ugly truth opened up itself to me. Loving family and happy ending doesn't exist. Not in my world.


Of course I blamed myself for all that happened. Did I do or say something wrong? Was it because I misbehaved? Was it because I was bad?

All those self-blaming thoughts and questions whirling in my mind. Even now, I sometimes believe that I don't deserve happiness.

People tell you it's not your fault this happened. But just how much will a child believe?


8 years.

8 years of having to play the role of mother and father to my emotional self. 8 years of trying to let go of all the hurt I've accumulated. 8 years of trying to forgive my parents for all the hurt. 8 years of being angry with my situation.

8 long years.

I still cry when I mention this issue, just like how I have been, since the start of this entry. 2 packets of tissues have been used.


So what is it like to grow up in a broken family?

I no longer believe in marriage, and I fear marriage. I have no confidence in starting my own family, because the possibility of such impending outcome, makes me fear having to let my child go through what I went through.

If a marriage is going to end up in a divorce, I would rather not have any children at all. No way am I going to let someone else go through all the pain and anger.


So what is it like to grow up in a broken family?

A wholesome exterior, but all broken up inside.

"Are you attached?"

I do not believe that it's out of concern, when people ask that. It just reeks of nosiness. On the rock, at that.

Is it disturbing that a person is not attached? Is there a law of nature that dictates that a person has got to be attached, for things to operate smoothly? Will the world stop spinning if a person is not attached? Will he/she dies by being unattached?

So there you go, it's out of pure nosiness.


And I especially hates it when guys ask that. On top of it, when you barely know them.

It screams out loud that you're assessing your chance of developing a romantic relationship with me, and that makes you view me as a potential girlfriend, which flaws your judgement. Everything about me will be magnified beyond proportions, and you will not know me for who I am. But instead, as the potential girlfriend material.

I hate that. Just as how I hate people seeing the superficial beauty of things, and never the inner beauty. Bollocks to those idiots!


I'm not going to deploy the I-have-got-a-boyfriend tactic, because it is simply not in me to lie about such issue.

The simple truth is this; I do not have the desire to commit to anyone just yet.

I'm enjoying the excitement and over-the-top happiness which stems from spontaneous whirlwind relationships. I'm doing what I want, and having a great time. And when it no longer fascinates me, I move on to something else.

Most people around me are looking to settle down with someone. I do as well! But that doesn't mean I'm going to short-change myself by choosing just anyone. It's going to take more than the desire of wanting to settle down, to convince me to.

And like I said, I'm not at that stage yet.

I just want to have fun.

9 crimes

This song is so intense that I cried within the first 30 seconds of it.

Mystery

Being the mischievous child I was, I love jumping on my parent's bed, treating it as a trampoline. I especially love jumping as high as I could, to get a glimpse of the top of the wardrobe, to see if there's any secret stash from the parental.

I once caught a glimpse of something, and being the curious child, I climbed up onto the dressing table, in order to reach the top of the wardrobe.

What I saw, were a couple of sweets, a small cup of milk, and some toys.

I can't recall exactly who I went to, but was told that those things were meant for child spirit. Confronting my parental about those items, I was told that they were nothing, and that there's no such thing as child spirit.

I remember seeing those items on top of the wardrobe for quite some time, before they were eventually taken away.

Up to this day, I still have no idea of why there were sweets, milk, and toys on top of the wardrobe.

La beauté de cela.

French guys are beautiful.

I'm enamored.

Rainy day makes me . . .

Think of you.




The rhythmic melody of the rain against the window panes, the roaring shouts of the rain against the tinned shelter.








The one with the yakult and an apple before bedtime.




Rainy day makes me think of you.

Over the Weekend

Was brought to this ice cream parlour along Bukit Timah, and given a treat! The place was crowded, with mainly teens. A good place to hang out after school.




There is really interesting flavours such as teh terik, horlicks, burnt caramel and nutella. I chose pulau hitam as it's been years since I last had that dessert. Yum on the rock, I say!




Had this really satisfied smile on my face, which was commented upon. Well, let's just say I'm easily contented nowadays.

My lactose intolerant boy!

Headed over to Maccas for a much needed dose of nuggets, before heading off to Queensway for some gift hunting, and then to Bing Yao's barbeque.




It was great seeing so many people, after so long. Majority of them was last seen during Secondary school days. Was a little awkward at first, but then conversations fell into place and everyone was having a ball. Especially with this really hyper dog which went around trying to hump the guys! What a sight.


The stereotypical division of guys into engineering course, and girls into business course is exactly applied to this group of friends. Reflecting upon it, it seems so surreal that I'll be undertaking a health science course. Something so different from finance.

Just the other day, I sent some University documents to CS for printing. He went through them and asked:


Is it difficult to get into your course?

Why do you ask?

I feel like applying for it.

Why? You've already got an offer from RMIT.

For fun, because School of Medicine sounds so cool.

. . . . .


It sounds prestigious to be in courses such as Medicine or Law, but I have come to realise that there is nothing to be envious about. No doubt, people in such courses are to be admired for their exceptional intelligence, but the glamour and glitz appointed to these titles are overrated.

Graduate friends from Medicine and Law commented that other than having to work really hard and putting in a great deal of effort, all things else are just magnified and overrated.

We adorn such exterior to those careers, that we sometimes blind ourselves to the true nature of them. The ability of the doctors to cure people of illnesses, and that of the lawyers in representing the innocents and getting them acquitted.

Oh how we tend to forget, when the evil claws of Hollywood worthy glam and glitz touch us.

Fulfilling day indeed.

Today I made a couple of decisions which would bring my life into a different direction.

It makes me really happy to finally take that first step out, and do what I've always wanted to do. I am now one step closer to my self.

I am basking in happiness, and that is all that matters.

Blessed, I am.

=)

Dear Angels

I seek to fulfil, the promises I make to myself.

I seek to be humble, to apologise when I'm wrong.

I seek to have the courage, to admit to my mistakes.

I seek to be genuine, to people I love and care about.

I seek to give, to people who needs it more than I do.

I seek to always remember, that the community is a part of me.

Leap of Faith

Caught The Leap Years, and yes, I cried. I cried because there's a part in the movie which mirrors a part of my life, which is "everything I ever dreamed of, but everything wrong."

It reflects my situation with love of my life, and it just saddens me to think that there might be a possibility that we will end up being apart together. The oxymoron of it angers me.


Just like the character of Li-Ann, I do not get together with someone, for the sake of being with someone. If it doesn't feel right, then it most probably isn't. That is what I believe in. There has been several great guys going after, and waiting on for me for years, and as much as I want to try it out with them to see if it works, I just couldn't do it. Because it just doesn't feel right, and I don't wish to lead them on, only to hurt them more.

That, is the reason behind my single status for the past 4 years. I've dated a couple of guys but nothing comes out of it eventually. People ask me why is that so, but how do I answer them? That it just doesn't feel right?


It is the same for love of my life. We love each other, but we know there's something missing. We could have been the best match for each other, but it just doesn't feel right at this point in time.

Apart from being angry at the situation, I know not of what else to feel or do.

The similarity of the situation to the movie, hits me even harder. Not many people will take the chance of finding out only every 4 years, whether the decision they made is the right one. Myself however, belongs to one of those, who will take that chance. And now the question is, just how far will I go?


I don't deny the fact that I pushes guys away, because I'm afraid of them falling for me. Some times I even make myself out to be ugly, so that no one will take interest in me.

I suppose I have been too comfortable with being by myself for the past 4 years, that I know not of how to be with someone else.

I am afraid, and so I will hide away. I will not love again, for I have no confidence in myself that I'll be fair to the other party. There is a high tendency that I will run away, at the first sign of falling in love.

So please love, elude me.

That solitary soul, so out of reach.

Just because you do not conform to the crowd, you're labelled as an outcast.

Is that because the crowd is afraid of your individuality, or because the crowd is envious of your courage?


And why do I push myself so hard every single time, in every single thing I do, just so that I can prove myself wrong, in order to carve a higher notch on my independence?

Because sometimes I wish that everyone is dead. Every single one.

And today, is one of those days.


Shut the fuck up.

I do not have to validate my actions.

May you rot as comfortably in your material world, as you live in it.


I wish I'm the only one left in the world.

Sometimes I wish so hard, I'm afraid it might come true.

That is why I have to be independent.

Detached

Juggling, Starscream, Donkey Kong, Mario Bros, bagel.

A child at heart, beyond the grown up exterior.

Something stirs within.

Perhaps maternal.

Shared Sleep

Our legs entwined.
A contradictory complement of the smooth against the textured.

His arm across mine.
Bold and strong, holding it dear in shelter.

His gentle kisses.
Scattered instinctively through the night.
In her hair, on her forehead, on her shoulder blade.

The beating of his heart.
Steady and strong, yet a lullaby of the night.

I like shared sleep.

Shared sleep?

Yes.

Why so?

The feeling of it.

The warmth? The touch? The cuddling?

Yes. Makes me feel protected.

He holds her closer still.