Rotten

Just because you aren't the chosen one, you reprobate me with groundless accusations. I absolutely hate that. You speak and write good English when trying to win my favour, but upon rejection, spouted Singlish and words of anger. On top of that, deny me of any means to retaliate or defend.

What a true man you are.

Why would a person your age behaves in such childish fashion, is beyond my comprehension. But then again, physical age doesn't equate mental age.

Not only are you a sore loser, but a bloody tosser as well.

And for that, my hats off to you.

Shelter

There is so much anger in me right now, that I want to inflict some serious physical harm to someone.

Suppressing my anger not only hurts myself, but when it burst, it will hurt others as well.

And I am so damn close to bursting out.

** It's the next morning now, and I must say, a good night's sleep is all it takes to cure every ailment or conditions! And not to mention, receiving a sweet mail from a sweet somebody.

I feel, but I'm . . .

Dear Elise,

There's a wonderful french song that I want to send you. A song by the great Charles Aznavour ! In this very nice and funny love song, mister Aznavour confesses that he can't speak english well enough and tries to apologize to the english-speaking woman he loves. This heart-warming song is made of series of english and french words :

" For me, Formidable "

" You are the one for me, for me, for me, formidable You are my love very, very, very, véritable Et je voudrais pouvoir un jour enfin te le dire, Te l'écrire, Dans la langue de Shakespeare

My daisy, daisy, daisy, désirable Je suis malheureux d'avoir si peu de mots À t'offrir en cadeaux Darling I love you, love you, darling I want you Et puis c' est à peu près tout You are the one for me, for me, for me, formidable "

(Charles Aznavour)

Sorry if my english isn't perfect, Elise. But I will do my best to express my feelings, just as Charles Aznavour in his song. I feel something special when I read your mails. I remember the first one you sent me : you made a pun with the movie title "Bewitched". In France, this movie and the original TV series are entitled "Ma sorcière bien-aimée". This title means "My beloved witch" word for word. In my opinion, you must be gifted with great magical powers too because I feel bewitched !

I have thought of you a lot these days. Actually, I wondered about my feelings. That's why I haven't replied to your mails immediately. I wanted to send you the best mail I could write in english. My last mail was sincere, of course ! But I have forgotten to write something very important :

I love you, Elise. I love you.

I love your personality, I love your sense of humor, I love all what you write. Your are a philosopher princess, and I love you.

This is honestly what I feel. If I had not written these three words, I wouldn't have been honest neither with you nor with myself. I hope you won't hate me because I have told you "I love you" too early. And of course, if you're okay, I hope that "we will have rainbows day after day", as Doris Day sings at the end of Hitchcock's "The Man who knew too much" (I'm a big Hitchcock's fan, you know !). I have no idea about what will happen. I don't know if you love me, but I always feel friendly feelings in your words.

I hope you have loved my letter as I have loved writing it.

For Lisette with all my heart.

Franck

Memory Lane I : 11-11-2006

I'm on the plane to Perth and up till now, it still feels so surreal. Like I'm in a dream and I'll wake up from it at any moment.

The devastating news about Adrian just sent my emotions into a total chaos and I'm feeling really really confused and mangled up inside.

Wee Hiong, Jie Yang, Shawn, Jun Hao, Cheryl, Farhana and Michelle. They all looked sad. And me? I pretended to be really happy, and overdid it. It's pretty obvious I guess. Overly excited and overly happy. Even overly appreciative. But I did told Cheryl, that despite me feeling really upset deep down over Adrian, I really really do appreciate them coming over. They stayed with me till I went in. We waved several goodbyes.

I cried like a baby on the way to the airport and caused my dad to worry about me. I'm ok dad. I'm ok. I'm just really shattered. My heart I mean. And I finally did tell my dad what I feel. And I finally did wrap my arms around him. Though I never did manage to say "I love you".

I told Aunt Joyce and Aunt Stella about what I feel. But I never did tell Aunt Stella that I treasured her Parker pen. Of the pen's significance to me.

I hugged my gramp, but I never did tell her how much I cared. I wish her well. I've never been a really good grand-daughter.

I pretended to be ok in front of everyone else, but I can't pretend in front of myself. For one, I can never lie past myself. Once again, I cried. On the plane. While watching "John Tucker Must Die". Whenever they mentioned "high school", my heart just broke some more, and more tears came out. As usual, I cried in the dark. I keep telling myself, "It's gonna be all right Elise. It's gonna be all right". I stopped for a second, but my emotion got the better of me.

I've been wondering and thinking about you the whole time. How injured are you, are you all right? What happened? I so wanted to talk to you, to hear your voice. Even if it's for a second. But Nicole said it wasn't a good time. I left you a voice message. I wonder if you'll get it. I treasured every moment too. I really did. Thank you for everything Adrian. Thank you.

I wish I was there. I wish I could just see you. I wish I could just see everything with my own eyes. To make sure that this isn't a joke. To know the truth so that I won't imagine the worst. Like I am now. I'm having a splitting headache from all the crying. My eyes feel like they're gonna pop out any second. Stop crying Elise. Stop.

I felt so bad. The night I met you, such horror happens to you. I know you're gonna meet your friends. I know there's trouble. I should have sense something. You said you'll message me, but you didn't. I thought you were just busy or perhaps have fallen asleep. You've always kept your promises. I should have known when I don't see a message from you in the morning. I should have sense something.

I'm terribly sorry Adrian. I'm terribly sorry. We shouldn't have talked about the possibility of something bad happening to any of us, and that we might never know. We shouldn't have discussed about it so many time. We shouldn't have. What you said came true. Between then and me leaving for Perth, things can still happen. I feel so guilty Adrian.

I shouldn't have talked about the whole middleman issue. I shouldn't have. Now something bad has happened to you.

I just wish I could turn around while boarding the plane, and just go to you. I'm so afraid I'll be so affected that I can't concentrate and focus on the main purpose. You said you wanna be a role model for me. To inspire me. You are my role model. I look up to you. What's gonna happen now?

I have to be strong now. I have to deploy the shield I developed to protect myself. I will be strong till I hear from you. I will promise to focus. I will tough it out till I hear from you. Do not imagine the worst Elise. Do not.

But when will I hear from you? One week? One month? Is our April still gonna come true? Will I get the chance to take the bus ride I never knew existed? Will there be the week or two?

Adrian I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I've never been totally honest with you. I'm so sorry.

Be well my dear. I wish my thoughts could fly the 3000 old miles to you. Be well.

Franck

Reading mails which bring a hearty smile to self, with Jack Johnson playing in the background, and the sky slowly breaking dawn into a lovely serene blue with fluffy white clouds.




Rocking to the soulful tunes while replying one's mail.




Nothing beats that feeling of happiness and bounty joy.


P.S. The french diminutive of Elise is Lisette.

Toad

I thought I was all right with the situation, but when I read what she wrote about him, something jolted inside of me. Painfully obvious, I have yet to return to my previous capacity.

I still want him.


Who does he think he is, for me to love him that much?

Just another irresolute guy in the world, a dime a dozen. But interestingly, my support system. Apparently, I enjoy getting myself into complicated situation. A brilliant complication in my mind, almost like a disease which recurs.


Enough with this incomprehensible affair. I do hope I get over it soon.

I have a dream to reach out for.

Oh my gosh.

For all the good in the world, I got drunk and lost my cell phone. On top of that, I fell and scrapped my knees. Mysteriously, I have a bump on my head as well. Whatever have I done to deserve that?

Now I'm going to have lots of problem.


Firstly, the cell phone isn't mine.

Secondly, no one will be able to contact me.

Thirdly, I'm going to be screwed all over for that.

Fourthly, I lost my recent new contact details.


I called my cell a couple of time and not long after, it was switched off. Obviously, the person who found it, pocketed it.

I wish with all my might that you get knocked down by a truck.

Thank you very much.

Fucktard!


I swear, after this incident and my major hungover on New Year day, I am NEVER EVER going to drink again.

Not even socially.

Having to vomit 5 times in 3 hours is no fun. And I really wonder why people like to get drunk and suffer from the nasty ass hangover. The human mind is weird!




ARGH!

Hush, baby, hush.

Just received the call.

Might be heading to Los Angeles in May.

Feeling a couple of emotions right now. Excited, nervous, overwhelmed, confused and scared. If I take this on, it might just be the end of my Adelaide journey. Yet the opportunity of putting myself in a whole new situation, environment, and brand new challenge, entices me much. I love pushing myself beyond what I've achieved, and this will be yet another milestone.

A part of me says to stay grounded, while the other part of me says to go for it.

Confusion, confusion, and more confusion.

Taking this on will be putting the grown up part of me into the real world. My mentality and ability will be challenged, and I will only grow further. But having grown beyond that of a 21 years old, I seriously don't want to age any further. I'm getting too mature for my own good, that it has gotten to a point in my personal life whereby I can only relate best with men in their 30s.

Whatever happens to having silly crushes and butterflies in the stomach? Whatever happens to living for the moment of all the sweetness and head-over-heels senseless romance? When did settling down, being taken care of, and plans of marriage arrive into my life?

I don't want to grow up! Not yet! Not any further!

I'm only 21!

Does anyone remember that?

Do I even remember that?


Ever since leaving Australia, I've been hoping for a chance to leave again. To get away from the family and all its drama.

Especially now.

I just want to drown out the fact that my mum thinks monetary compensation is enough for her absence in my life for the past 8 years.


Love, care, concern, respect, and kinship, cannot be measured financially.

When will you realise that and stop being so self absorbed?

The harshest words were said, because they were right.

I've never been more disappointed with you.

Never.


Should I leave because I want to run away? Or should I stay to go through the struggle and torment?

I don't know.

I wish I was deaf.

The world is too noisy.

Bifurcation

1. Pursue my dream in Dietetics.

Head off to Australia for 4 years of undergraduate studies, with the professional title of DAA accredited dietitian upon graduation.

2. Career

Travelling between the States and Asia, dealing with civilian and military aeronautical.


Between something I want, and something I'm curious about.

Which one do I choose?