Relapse

I started hurting myself physically again a couple of days ago, over some remarks from the family. I knew I was losing it when the urges came flooding and I immediately talked to a friend. But the more I talked about it, the more it hurts, and the stronger the urges became. I was shaking terribly from the immense effort of trying to control myself.

I was honest and told her that I wanted to hurt myself because I felt pathetic and worthless, and that it'll all be well if I never existed. I was crying intensely, yet at the same time, trying to suppress my sobs and screaming. It was an ugly scene. Almost like an addict experiencing withdrawal.

Not forgetting to mention, it started off with a binge on cold pastry, bringing about a greater sense of ineffectualness. From there, it went downhill. I was crying and shaking, and scratching and biting myself. The pain on my flesh was only a fraction of the pain inside. That terrible ache one feels in their heart. Now I understand the rationale behind all the cutting people do to themselves. There really is a point when the physical hurting pales in comparison to the emotional hurting.


As much as having an unusually high level of sensibility, I knew I had to go to someone before I decide to let loose for once and go crazy with self-mutilation. As much as I don't want to bother him, knowing that he'll probably still be at work, I knew I had to do it. Proving my point, he was still at work when I texted him but he simply enquired the time I'll take to get to his place.

The usual routine of him telling me about his day at work and trying to cheer me up, before sending me to bed. Holding on to me without letting go because he knows I'll run away. My mode of defense.

He probed and I told him bits by bits. About how my self-esteem was rock bottom due to the constant branding from people. As much as I know that I'm proper and right, I can't help but to wonder if there's something wrong with me, when there's enough tirades being thrown my way.

A cycle of crying and stopping, a process of wetting his shoulder and pillow with tears. Perhaps at times incomprehensible due to the sudden outbursts and chokes in between tears.

The only random thought that night was of the sodium in my tears. Relation to human biology. I don't make sense even at such moment.


Mobile was switched off for 3 consecutive days, along with cessation of online activity and verbal communication. Total isolation.

Feeling much better now, but pondering over the aspect of me still caring as much. It only hurts so much because it came from people whom I hold dear to my heart. The nearer they are to your heart, the easier and deeper they can pierce.

Still sorting through my thoughts and trying to get a perspective.

Maybe I really am all by myself.

I hope my departure comes sooner. If I have no way of healing, then I'll suffice with the next best option. To run. As far away as possible.

Shadow

The rocking of the body which stems from intense conflict; the part which wants to hurt and the part which doesn't. The rocking motion is somewhat comforting, almost like the gentle rocking of the younger days, except with increased intensity.

The bottle of cleaning agent, the rusty screwdriver, the huge mirror. All within reach. The intense desire to consume, to stab, to smash. The intense struggle to say no.

To hurt oneself takes immense courage and split seconds, while being rational and sane takes immense self control and conviction.


"Don't let people get into you."


Are you able to get past people's judgements, even those of the ones closest to you?

Does their opinions of you hold any value, even if it hurts?

And when it is those closest to you, and supposedly dearest to you, who hurt you, should you walk away, or stay on account of duty?

The grey area within morality and responsibilities often clouds the mind.

Do you walk away or do you stay?

Do you let the hurting continues, or do you choose to heal?

And just what's the value of family anyway?


"When the time comes for you to have your own family, you can choose to make it simple."

Bursting into tears again, leaving him puzzled.

I'm not confident that I'll make that happen. Once bitten, twice shy. What will my own family be like when it happens? There's just too much hurting.


Are you confident?

Will everything turn out all right?

Only time will tell.

Only time will tell.

In the meantime, let's learn to pick up enough courage to walk away, and let the healing begin.

He said

I think there's something wrong with me.

There's nothing wrong with you! You're nice and sweet, smart and beautiful, and have a head on your shoulder. You don't care a lot about money, and you're happy with just a little of it.


So why are their words still able to get into me?

Double '2'

Early in the morning, received a couple of surprises. Flowers with bears. Thank you for this wonderful thought from across the ocean.

=)

Fabulous dinner with my lovely babe at Clark Quay. That silly girl actually bought me flowers and a cake! Silly but filled with sweetness! Called her when I reached the destination, but she said she was still busy with a couple of stuff. I actually saw her from afar with a bouquet of flowers, but decided to let her keep her mystery going.

=D

Food was good, and the ambience was soothing. Most importantly, the company was fabulously excellent!

My birthday "cake" aren't exactly the usual fare, but they are awesome. The semi-globe one has a sinfully gooey hazel nut cream centre while the other is a deliciously sweet tiramisu. Both of them are truly disturbingly delightful desserts! Thanks honey!

After dinner, we headed over to Indochine for a drink while waiting for Momo to arrive. Earlier on, I asked that he wish me "Joyeux Anniversaire", and he was surprised that it was my birthday. As he was at Marriott for a company dinner, he couldn't get away. When he arrived, he said that he left earlier before the dinner ended, which was a really sweet gesture! Thanks Momo! That really was the icing on the cake.

=)

That marks my wonderful night of turning 22nd, and I couldn't ask for more.

Thank you Jessica and Momo.

=)

Joyeux Anniversaire

A little less young, a little more mature, a little less cute, a little more wise, and a whole lot more to come.

Je t'aime de tout mon coeur, ma chérie. Have a NICE, FUNNY and WONDERFUL birthday with LOTS OF LOVE, mon amour ! It's a beautiful day ! =)

Work wise

What started off as a beautiful and wonderful weekend, rounded off with me feeling exhausted and doubtful at the end of it.

Met up with the maternal for dinner as a prelude to my birthday, and it was an incredible night. We were chatting and laughing away while looking through the pictures from our childhood, often teasing each other over the ridiculous hairstyles which were popular 15 years ago, and the not so flattering nakedness of our chubby selves.








Headed off to the vicinity of work and was surprised by the crowd. It seems that there was live feed of a game or race.

Fast forwarding a few hours, let's just say the night ended off with a colleague fainting on the job, calling for an ambulance, closing the restaurant early, me helping out in my heels and mini-skirt, and an outburst over a runaway bill of $148.

All's well ends well? Not even close to that.


All I wanted to do at that moment was to just get out of there and fortunately, Remo being the trooper he is, came to get me and accompanied me to the hospital for a bit. I could see the fatigue on his face and that just reaffirms the kind of friend he is. A great one.


Reached home around 3-4am, ending up in bed at 6am and having to get up 3 hours later for work. Throughout the entire duration at work, all that went through my mind was whether it's worth it to continue staying, when the management doesn't exactly know how to treat people right. It isn't just about me, but the others as well. How do you expect people to give their best for you when you're capable of putting them down and going physical on them, even if it's for fun on YOUR part? There's something call SELF ESTEEM and RESPECT.

At the end of the day, one sentence resonates in my mind.

If you don't respect your staffs, then you don't deserve any.

It's really all that simple, but isn't it such irony how it's always the simplest thing which we're most incapable of achieving?

This is turning out to be such a joke. I need to be away from it all for a bit.

The Girl

We didn't start off on a good note and I reckon we dislike each other from the beginning. Yet we ended up being friends, peppered with meaningless arguments over who's giving and receiving more in the friendship.

We had a big fight over a guy, which almost ended up physical. Then there was the huge fight when I decided to end everything.


"I hope I will have nothing to do with you in future. If we should have any contact, let it be only for professional reason, and nothing personal. You'll go your way and I'll go mine. I hope we'll never cross path ever again. Good luck and take care."

That was what I said to her while holding back my tears, trying to appear as if I don't care, when she was crying over the other end.


As Life has a way of taunting us, we ended up in the same school again. It was difficult trying to pretend that I don't see her whenever we happen to walk down the same corridor. It was difficult trying to interact with her as if I don't know her. Yet I did all that, trying to prove how tough I can be, and how heartless I am.

It was an intense and immense internal struggle we were both going through, yet we thought that the other party was having it easy.


Then one party took the first step and reached out, crumbling the entire wall we've built to keep each other out. Till this day, we've become even closer and stronger, without ever looking back or regretting the reconciliation.

She is the one I can't bear to leave when I was about to board the plane for Perth, hearing her cry while I stifled my tears so that my mum won't get worried. She is the one I wondered how things are and if she's doing well. She is the one I missed and wants to be there for. She is the one who embraced my return, accepting and marvelling at my changes, be it for the better or worst.

She is still the one I can't bear to leave this time around. She is one of the reasons why I want to stay.


That day on the train ride back, I was happy to just watch her laugh and cuss while playing with my brother's PSP. Though she's donned in a fabulous dress and high heels, spotting a label bag and fine gadgets, the real her is the one playing the game.




At that moment, she doesn't care about being "unglam". She's having fun and being herself.




That's all that matters.


Our differences get wider with every passing days, as we grow and mature into our own individual. Yet it is these differences that hold us together, because we respect and treasure each other, learning and accepting the differences which make us beautiful the way we are.




I love this girl and I'm glad our path crossed.

There is no doubt I'm fearful of the possible changes between us with the onset of my departure, with a distance that will be even greater than before, with a duration even longer than before.

She is such a wonderful soul that sometimes I get selfish and wants her all to myself. But putting everything aside, she is the girl.

The babe in my life.

May she be blessed with all the happiness in the world.

Inner child

Couple of days back, I was having lunch when I was roused to the commotion from across the table. A mother was reprimanding her child as he spilled a drink. Looking at the on the verge of tears expression of her child, the mother said “Don’t cry or I’ll smack you.”

It hurts to witness such parenting. No doubt, I'm in no position to lay self righteous comments, as I’m not a mother myself, nor am I an expert in early childhood nurturing. But seeing the look on the little boy and the way he tried so darn hard to control himself, when his mother threatened to smack him should he cry, I felt an urge to go up to her and ask that she back off.

The child is probably feeling guilty and afraid that he’s spilled a drink, and he doesn’t need the adult to reaffirm his action, making him feel like a sinner. Instead of checking if he’s got himself wet, she was instead reprimanding him on how he’s always spilling the drinks and that she’ll never get him any drink again. At the same time, taking away the remaining drinks from him.

A child is impressionable and the actions and mannerisms of the adults will be the mould in which he’ll grow up into. By teaching him criticism, he’ll likely grow up to be judgmental and cynic of others and himself. By teaching him violence, he’ll likely grow up to be a victim or bully to others and himself.


In Asian culture, we’re not taught or brought up to be affectionate with each other and often times, parents view a strict upbringing as the best method to a child who will do no major wrong.

My mum was a strict disciplinarian when we’re growing up, that even till this day, my brother and I will somehow prepare ourselves for some reprimands should we sense the usual pattern in events. Though my mum has mellowed immensely from years ago, the automatic defense in us is still very much alive, as we prep ourselves for a scolding or scene of chaos, only to be met with silence.


I do not want to lose my temper with my child over the most meaningless matter such as drink spillage, and I hope with all my heart that I'll always remember that a child doesn’t understand a lot of things, and that the journey to discovery and characterisation is one with which we as the adults are very much involved in, and are role models whom the child looks up to.

Bless me with the ability to shower my child with lots of love, care and tenderness, as how I’m learning to love everyone else at the moment.

Truth?

Personality Test

Kind and Gentle

Your kindness is your charm - you are also gentle and sweet. Everybody likes to be around people with your personality. Like a psychologist, people like to talk to you to discuss their problems because you are proper and discrete, as well as confident. You look mature and people respect you. People with this kind of character are few and far between.


Eating Test

You've made your way well in this world despite all the obstacles you've had to faced. You have survived a lot more troubles than most people. You have had to deal with difficult people, ridiculous rules, and tempestuous relationships.

Love for you can be as intense as the fire on the face of the sun. You are either very calm on the inside when there is a lot of insanity going on around you, or you shut people up and take charge. You can go to a movie by yourself. You are as comfortable alone as you are with others. You are angry at your parents but you can't change them.

You are a great lover when you find that rare mate who is your equal, otherwise your relationships do not go well. Life is a roller coaster, and you are finding ways to make the good times better. You love sports.


Hidden Talent

The Mass Communicator

You have a cheerful personality and you are a naturally kind person. Your hidden talent isn't really that hidden at all: you shine among a crowd. You would make an ideal news announcer, flight attendant or model - any position that would give you an opportunity to deal with plenty of people. A tip for you is to avoid getting too deeply involved in others' personal lives - otherwise you might find yourself constantly being asked for help.

Memory Lane III : Benjamin

He's cute and drives many girls wild. Maybe the contest in College.

He gets complimented a lot by others. Gets girls throwing themselves at him.

He's tall, he speaks well, he's funny, he's buff, he drives.

So why the hell do I not feel anything towards this hot stuff that is almost mine? At least mine for now.

I'll have gone crazy if I get a chance like that. But not this time round. I thought I'll be dependent on him, but I'm not. Surprisingly, I don't even care.

Holly shit. Something's wrong with me. Why am I feeling this way? I actually am more concerned in the initiate stage rather than now.

Holly fucking shit.

Hoggies - Wil

While being out and about giving flyers with Wil a few days back, we ended up being nutty after finishing our stack.










Came across a church and we're both fascinated by the angelic angel!








Work is never dull with Wil around, but sad to say, he'll be finishing his attachment at Hogs in October. When the time comes, we'll no longer have any full timers! Why do I have a feeling that Bryan will be asking me to work more? I'll have to start saying NO.

Boy oh boy, first Lito, next goes Wil.

What will life at Hogs be like comes October?