Crossing the line

"I work at Merrill Lynch and my place's behind Clark Quay. Wanna come home with me"?

That's what a total stranger said to me last night.


"Hello babe, u look really hot and sexy in ur pics. Especially in the 4th pic in ur profile pics. Can we get together sometime and share some hot discreet times together?"

That's what a total stranger wrote to me this morning.




Pray tell me, what's so hot and sexy about this picture?

Bloody desperados and fucked up morons.

The fear

I’ve been keeping track of the time and now that I realise there’s 5 months left, reality starts to hit home. Should I focus only on the deadline of getting all documentation done, there’s only 3 months.

When I first returned to Singapore, I was lamenting the tediously long duration of a year. But as it always is, time flies and now I have less than half of what I started out with. Someone hit my panic button and now I’m filled with fears.

Why the fear?


I simply don’t know. There weren’t this much fear during the virgin experience out of home. I was excited and nervous, but not fearful. So what’s bringing about this fear this time?

Perhaps it’s the knowledge that I’ll be gone for a much longer duration, and the unknown future of the new phase of life I’m about to embark on. The one source which I’m certain about is the fear of losing my friends.

Being away for only a year and a half has left things changed between me and some of my closest friends. Differences in opinions and ways of life are the two biggest driving forces.

To be completely honest, I have yet to meet my best girl friend at all ever since coming back. We made the attempts initially, but eventually failed to follow up. A mutual friend of ours met her during a function and asked if she knows I’m back, and she said yes, lying that we’ve met a couple of times. The mutual friend knows that we’ve yet to meet up.


So what is left to desire when the duration of being away is more than doubled? I’m counting my blessings that things haven’t change between me and Jessica. We got even closer. It’s fortunate that we’re both adaptive and open to changes, and are both making efforts to learn about the new changes in both of us. It is also because of this that I’m very reluctant to leave. I’m afraid that things will change between us. She knows that too, and sent me a text:

“Someone once said that real friends are able to have a conversation and leave halfway, being away for 10 years and when they’re back, pick up the conversation where it left off, as if time hasn’t passed.”

It isn’t helping much that she once mentioned “Why do I have a feeling that if you leave this time around, you won’t be coming back?”


Of course, there’s this particular person whom I don’t wish to leave, but as I’ve promised myself, I will leave everything to pursue what I want. And as I believe, ce qui sera, sera.


So just what else is fuelling my immense fear? At the height of it, I felt restless and extremely insecure while I lie in bed trying to fall asleep.

So just what else is out there?

Awkward much

Dinner and drink with a colleague ended with him confessing his interest in me. Once again, it’s the sparkles in my eyes, and the way I speak and carry myself. The new thing is; there’s something mysterious about me.

I wonder what can be so mysterious about a woman who’s an open and honest chatterbox.


He recalled his first encounter with me in the locker room.

“Are you new?”

“Yeah. Hi I’m Elise!”

Not forgetting, my signature smile. I’ve been getting a lot of comments regarding my smile, and it’s all the same. I have a beautiful smile. Do I?


He knows I’m leaving, and I’m honest and upfront about it. His conclusion is that I’m closing up to any opportunities because of the fact that I’m leaving. As I’ve always been saying, I don’t want to bastard anyone.

He questions the next step. I don’t have much of a reaction towards him and he wonders what’s going through my mind. Perhaps that’s the mysterious element.


Now that explains his behaviours at work. Once I fell and scraped my knees during work, and he was rather concern. Following my departure to Perth for a two week stint, he text messaged me wishing me bon voyage. And recently when I scraped my finger, he got me a band aid and as it was too big, he cut it up for me. According to him, it’s a personalized band aid.

As much as he’s a nice guy, I don’t see myself with him. The problem is that I do not know how to let him off nicely. I’m never good when it comes to saying no.


5 more months. That’s all that’s on my mind.

I'm scared.

The application forms are printed and completed, leaving only the medical, which is tomorrow. The result for the medical will take 4-6 weeks, after which, 2 more weeks to go for the school to come up with a decision.

That means 2 months of suspense and trepidation. I think I'm going to feel sick in the stomach. Having gone through such turmoil twice, I never expect it to happen again so soon.

I'm feeling so darn scared right now just thinking about the two possible outcomes, but mostly of the negative. Even though I've been pretty successful thus far in all my endeavours, but because I want this so much, its manifestation is so much greater than usual.


Expectation breeds disappointment.

This is my current new favourite. Pretty pessimistic I know, but downright realistic. I'm mind over heart recently.

And then there's the French boy, but that's something else altogether. Santa Rosa is more important to me at the moment.

Like I said, mind over heart.

Back again.

Brought along sore throat, flu and ear infection. Even though it's back to the chaos of life, it still feels terribly great to be back, again. This time around, I didn't tear when the plane took off or when it landed. I was smiling instead. Feels good to be back. Feels good to be me.

Mediated a couple of times on the flight to get some perspectives. I'm glad I did.

Started missing the girls while waiting at the boarding gate.


Opened my luggage and felt the cool temperature of my belongings. Given the temperature in Singapore at the moment, all that'll be left with soon is the remnants of the Aussie chills. How I wish I could prolong that cool air weaving between my clothes and lotions.

No doubt I'll miss everything about Australia, but keeping my own promise, I'll move on to new grounds. Time shall tell the direction of my future. Soon enough.

3 months' time.

This time.

Sometimes it's about shutting yourself out from the world.

This time, it's about time.

Another chance to depart, another chance to reinvent.

Sense of Self

The moment I made the decision to depart Singapore for Perth, in pursue of my heart's desire, I found my sense of self. It wasn't fully developed, but a seedling waiting to be nurtured. My journey in Perth was one of exploration and growth, filled with self loving and caring, in nurturing the self within.

Not many people are as fortunate to realise what they truly want in life, and I can only say, I've been blessed beyond belief. I was given the opportunity to pave my path and to see the world, and to learn and grow as a traveller-to-be. My nomadic self was unbridled, which marks the start of the little traveller in me.


Somehow on my journey back home, I lost that sense of self. In the process of immersing back into the culture, I was distracted. I started to lose sight of my goal, branching out a whole new section of options which isn't what I want.

I started losing confidence, courage, honesty, and happiness. I wasn't my true self.


This time around, I have yet another chance at the journey back home. Some where between the world and home, lies my self in waiting. I'm going to get her back.

I want the self with the confidence beyond her age, filled with courage, being honest without boundary, and brimming with happiness.

I want to be her again, and I will be.

Night Scene

Many peers are deviating from the clubbing scene as they lament they're getting old and can't take too much of the staying out late. I'm starting to deviate from the clubbing scene as well, but for a different reason.

Firstly, it's the characters in the scene that make or break the atmosphere. Unruly characters will be a definite sight in such situation, but the least bit they can do is to restrain themselves. But if that's what they are capable of, then they won't be classified as unruly.

We're all out to have a good time, and they constitute different categories. Some just wants to have a dancing fix, some just want to have the alcohol fix, and some just want to score for the night. I belong to the first, as there are times when the dancing bug bites.


Personally, it sucks when those who are out for a score try to hit on you, and it's even worst, when alcohol is in the picture. You either get drunk guys trying to get you home with them, or drunk girls acting all slutty on the dance floor. These are definitely not I'm out for.

It's the same old story, same old scene. I'm not getting too old for it, but just getting bored. I'm moving on to something new. Something more interesting and fascinating. I confess, I have a short interest span.


Besides, I feel it's time to cut out the late nights and drinking. I know how my body is, and I want to start taking great care of it, in preparation of being a mother someday. That being said, it doesn't mean I'm seeing someone now or that I'm getting married anytime soon. I just believe that it's better to start early and be prepared, seeing that I intend to have my first child in my mid 20s (if that ever happens). Besides, I feel most comfortable getting those factors out of my lifestyle.

After all, the only person who can love you the most, is yourself.

Rules of the Game

If you ask if I'm attached, you're out of the game.

If you get possessive, you're out of the game.

If you get jealous, you're out of the game.


This is my game, you play by my rules.

Take it or leave it.

I don't compromise.

10 more minutes...

Till I board the plane!

My arms are going to break from carrying my bag, two bottles of alcohol, and 1 carton of cigarettes. I absolutely hate smoking, yet here I am, buying it for a friend. I'm going against my principle!

The hilarious thing is, I didn't prepare my visa and have to pay $50 for it at the airport! Atrocious.

On a happier note, winter wonderland, here I come!

5 hours and 25 minutes more.

=)

Breaking the circle of trust.

In a moment of folly, I made a bad decision and caused inconveniences to Raymond, and now he's not talking to me. I attributed his anger as a petty act, only to be told the truth by Bryan. Raymond is angry because he's disappointed with me. He thought I'm not like the others, who will screw things up, but I proved otherwise.

It bothers me a lot that he's not talking to me, to the point of ignoring me. I don't like that and am extremely uncomfortable with the situation, but I know I deserve it. I wanted to apologise in person, but because he's ignoring me, I texted an apology. I know he will not reply, and I'm right.


On the other hand, my foolish actions of another sort caused Remo to question my common sense and sanity. Even though he said nothing, but the non-verbal expressions gave him away. I felt judged and cast in the stupid light. It bothers me because it's Remo. Having been put on trial by so many people, he is the last person I expect to do so.

It's awkward now that I'm starting to stop telling him about things, and his nature of chasing the truth isn't making things any easier. The fact that he's observant isn't helping either. He's constantly asking what's on my mind.


These two situations made me realise that my actions stings more, to people whom trust me without questions. I often lament about others breaking my trust for them, but have never ever cast myself in that light. Now that I'm in the character, I finally understood.

Trust has always been a complicated issue for me, as I prefer to trust without questions or judgments, until proven otherwise. But recent incidents are opening my eyes and mind to the alternate choice. Perhaps it's time to revise my belief, and to label everyone as guilty until proven innocent.


Perhaps it is time for this whole self-experimentation of going with the flow and just being myself, to stop. Being nice only get you shit most of the time. I am now able to relate to those guys who declare that nice guys finish last. Indeed, the world needs more villains. Besides, they seem to have more fun. If I can't be blonde (I don't want to, anyway), I can at least be villainous.

Perhaps it's really time to reinvent. I just hope I can still maintain my bubbly. That's my sanity in translation.