Friday, October 30, 2009

Officially first.

The best photo of the night. Thanks babe!





I love the look of happiness on both our faces. I love that little bit of candidness of the photo. I love our body language. Most importantly, I love him.

=)


Now I just have to find a way to get this into my mobile. Can't use the bluetooth device as I can't find the installation CD!

My place is a mess!

=[

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Time.

Time to do what I want to do, instead of what others want me to do.

Time is now a luxury I have.

For self, for family, for partner, for friends, for love.

For all that matters.

For Elise.

=)

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

T-Boy

"From far when I look at you sweep the floor, I can't help but to have the thought that you'll be a good housewife in future. Because it's just sweeping the floor and you're so meticulous."

"Erm... I take that as a compliment?"

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

C-17-H-17-Cl-N-6-O-3

Now that I know what it does when in overdose, and when combined with alcohol.

Should have never googled it.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Kent Ridge Wing 2 - Neuroscience Clinic

The psychiatrist with a beard, that makes him looks like a terrorist. Kind of intriguing, in fact. Those simple questions asked, which crumpled the defenses built. Fortunately the defenses have a strong foundation, so I held up pretty well. Could have been worse, but thankfully I've been through it before, which makes things easier, just by a little each time.

And because he was there. I'm not going to let him witness my breakdown.


"Did you have suicidal thoughts recently?"

I lied. I did. Briefly.


It was a lot of things, but mostly haunting past. That ache in your heart that takes away all, but the most minimal of your breath. Makes you want to stop breathing all together.

It is so much easier when there are only you. But now it's not. It is so much more complicated. Makes it a good and bad thing. Good that it's keeping me alive. Bad that it's stopping me from decisions I want to make.

I can't find it in myself to be selfish. It will hurt many people. Much more than I think or know.


Too much honesty leads to too much judgment. Something I don't need right now. Especially not from him. So indeed, there is a limit to my honesty. 

"Don't pack up and go." 

I really wish I can. Perhaps my life will be endless episodes of pack-and-go. Fight-or-flight will be constantly activated. I don't know. I really don't.


Need to keep myself busy from now on. Too much free time is bad for my mind. That freaking voice I can't get out of my head. That one that screams RUN.

I know I need to stay grounded. That is my cure.

Silence, Elise.

All is good.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Do not eat where you shit.

The truth that rings with this statement is so intense that it's driving me deaf. Wise words are wise words, although they sometimes don't sound very graceful. But that's the brutal truth!

Honesty in bright day light, so to speak. There will certainly be doubts and some fumbling along the way, but somehow I feel that this will go right. The last time I felt this way was 6 years ago. How ironic that the timing is almost coincidental.

There are many things to be thought through, and there are many decisions to be made. Will what one gives up be one's regret in future? Nobody knows for sure. The future is too misty and far off. We have to treasure and hold on to the present.


What do I want?

I want you to be able to trust me on my words. I want you to know and be confident in the fact that I made the decision to stand by you. And when the time comes that I promise my commitment, please trust me fully on it. Don't doubt me. Trust is a really precious gift in my eyes.

Let there be trust and respect.


What do I want?

I want to continue earning my own keep. I want to relieve my dad of his load. I want to be part of the family, to contribute to it. If, at the end of the day, that piece of paper is what I really want, I want to earn it on my own. It's a decision on my part to choose this particular path, when there are other easier ones available. So therefore, I have to be responsible for my own wants and desires.


What do I want?

I want a life of my own. I want to paint my canvas the way I deem fit. I want to steer and hoist my vessel in the direction I see fit. I want to live for myself and for those whom I care. I want to put my heart and soul into every single things I do, and be proud of it. As long as I'm able to answer to myself, that is all that matters.


So who is Elise? Who will she be?

I don't know.

I only know that she's crazy.

And damn proud of it.

=)

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Self-Destruction

Been losing sleep and appetite. Broken my previous record of staying awake, with the current statistic being 39 hours.

Even valium prescribed by the doctor doesn't work. Only alcohol does. Therefore I'm back to drinking again, to the point that even Terence asked if I've been drinking. He said that the signs are there. I don't know what the signs are, and I don't care. I just want to feel tired and be able to fall asleep. I just want to be so tired that I can't think. I like that.

2 bottles within an hour and I'm way too tired now. Will definitely knock out within 5 minutes of hitting the sheets.

Thank you so much for your company tonight, though I graced our reunion with my personal tears.

And right now, I really wish Remo's by my side. But my thoughts are with Bamboo.

CS asked why did I even bother about those matters so deeply, when I'm not even into it for the long run. Even CW asked the same thing. But I've already identify myself with the place. I've grown too deeply in it.

I think I'm on the path to self-destruction, and I doubt anyone will be there to catch me when I do. Maybe I'll finally be able to strike off one matter from my Weirdo Wish List afterall.

Nobody's gonna know, because nobody knows I'm writing again.

To free-falling.

To my destruction.

To everything.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Thank you, with Love.

Thank you to those who has so patiently endured my unreasonable flare ups, and for taking the beating and anger directed at them, which they don't deserve.

Thank you for always being there, entertaining and enduring my nonsense, and lending an ear or shoulder when I needed one.

You have been a tremendously awesome friend. Be it once before, or ever on.

To Dex.
To CS.
To Jerome.
To Sharon.
To Remo.

Thank you so much, and with lots of love. Truly from the bottom of my heart.


Tonight has been wonderful, meeting up with my precious darling Cheryl. The reminiscent of the past has been funny and insightful, while the hypothetical questioning of the future has been thought provoking. Where will we be in a couple of years down the road, and what will we be doing, is an interesting blank slate. Will we be settled or still wandering, we can't predict. But the past and the present have been excellent and blissful.

Looking forward to our next outing, where we will be having a game of pool! Doing things we haven't done in ages. Thank you for being such a sport.

Time spent might be minimal, but the happiness is bountiful.

I have a feeling that I'll be able to sleep well tonight. Something I've been wishing for for the past week.

=)

Monday, October 05, 2009

Till death parts us all.

When someone closest to you departs the living, several truth hits you. The realisation that they will never be there again, that you will never get the chance to speak to them again. The realisation that someone is gone, bringing along everything that links you to them, except for the memories left, which might not be much, as we often don't treasure what we've got till it's gone.

Death can be a blessing for those who have lived their dues, or those suffering from an illness. In such instances, death is a form of release for them and us. But when death lay claim over someone in their youth, it seems such a cruel twist. The immense possibilities become impossible in just a snap of the finger. It brings about the fact that you might be the one due for claim, and perhaps you have never really truly live your life the way you want to.

Till death parts us all; from the young and promising, to the aged and wise.

Till death parts us all.


So to all my loves, are you living your life to the fullest? Have you left any rooms for regrets?

Promise me, never to tear when the day comes for death to grace me. For I have lived and loved. And will be.

Till death parts us all.


The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all your Tears wash out a Word of it.


- Omar Khayyám