Know what?

I don't plan anymore.

I don't even know if I'll be embarking on varsity life or to go backpacking next year. I have yet to decide. As mentioned, varsity is the conditional life of almost everyone, and I really don't know if I want to go down that path. 4 years is too much planning and commitment for me at the moment.

I'm trying to make as little commitments as possible. I've cancelled my saving plan because 25 years is too darn long, and I've only serviced the policy for less than 2 years. 23 years left? Who knows if I'll still be around?

I've cancelled my mobile subscription as well, because I do not want to sign on for another 2 years. 2 years is a commitment nonetheless. I don't know if I'll be in Singapore next year.


I suppose I'm going through a phase of Acute Commitment Phobia. I do not want to be tied down. No restrictions please. I just want to be free and easy. It stems from the desire within me to just pack up and leave whenever I want to.

I no longer believe in planning for the future.

Looking back on the past is futile, and planning the future is unpredictable. Things change and so do people, much less plans. So yes, I'm living for the moment. Truth be told, I like it that way and I'm happy.

I smile and laugh so much nowadays that people wonder if I'm high on drugs or alcohol. I'm not. I'm on a natural high, simple as that. Simplicity is my drug of choice.


I'm not going to apologise for not being the daughter you wish I will be. I'm not going to apologise for my decision to do things I want, rather than what you want. I'm not going to apologise for not being similar to everyone else. I'm not going to apologise for choosing internal satisfaction over material comfort. I'm not going to apologise for not becoming who you want me to be.

Most times, you forget that I'm my own individual, and that I'm mature enough to handle the consequences of my decisions. I'm no longer a child, and should I make an unwise choice, I am only most willing to take the fall and learn to pick myself up. I know you're trying to protect me, but I'm not a greenhouse plant. I need to be out in the wild, taking on what the elements are going to lash at me. That's how I can learn and grow.

I know I will forever be your little girl in every sense, yet it isn't the same anymore. I know you love me, but if it's going to hinder me from painting my own canvas of life, then I rather you not do so. Besides, you've been absent from my life too darn long to start playing your role now. It doesn't work that way. Instead, it hurts a hell lot.

Don't dump me on the sidewalk, only to return years later, telling me you're sorry and giving me a hug. Nothing's going to change. The harm has been done and there's a long ugly scar to prove it. I believed that you're sincere and I showed you the scar. It's still as fresh as can be, and instead of helping to heal it, you rip it apart, making it bleed once again.

I've learned it's time to move on. I acknowledge your apology, but that is all there is to it. As much as I try to, I'm just not graceful enough to take you back. I don't have that capacity, yet.

My only apology is that we both have to go through such an event in our lives. Let's remember what we got out of it, and move on.


Know what?

I made a list of resolutions at the start of the year, and I'm going to scrape them.

I only need 2, and that is to BE HAPPY, and MAKE PEACE WITH MYSELF.

I started off the list with my apology to Melvin, and I will continue till I complete it. The hardest is left for the last, and that is the family.


I've said my piece, thus no more sadness or secret tears anymore.

Simplicity is happiness.

Whoever you are who's reading this; be it a stranger, an acquaintance, a friend, or a love one. I just want to say this from the bottom of my heart, that right at this moment . . .

I love you.

Times like these.

"I'm just so glad that she's finally found someone to take care of her. She deserves it."

"Oh yeah? Then do you need someone to take care of you?"

Have you ever tried really hard to pick up the pieces and move on, having established a really satisfying and fulfilling life, only to have some monsters from your past catch up with you and rip everything apart?

They tear you away piece by piece, doing it atom by atom, staring you in the eye, and telling you that you deserve it. That no one will ever love you and that is only because you deserve it. That you should stop hoping and thinking otherwise.

They scorn at your courage and attempt in walking out of the loop, and tease that you will forever be cuffed to it, in spite of all your efforts. They belittle you, stabbing a knife into your spinal cord, twisting the blade, mangling up your nerves and ability to move away once more.

They trap and corner you, treating you as a specimen and as a remainder of what you really ought to be.


Times like these are so tough to deal with, but you crawled out of it everytime. You heal yourself and begin walking, rebuilding everything you can with all you're left with.

Yet times and times again, those selfish and ugly monsters hunt you down and take you down.

You often wonder when will this end, and if there will ever be a happy ending for yourself. You latch on to whatever ounce of hope and faith that is left inside of you after each ordeal. You cling on tightly and you pushes on.


Is the silver lining a myth? Will there be sunshine after the rain? Is there really a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?

Life is tough. Others have it tougher.

You will survive this. You will walk out of it once more. Don't give up on me. You're a trooper and you know that. You're a fighter.

Believe once more.

Memory Lane II : Missed Call

Sitting by the window, I watched as the world outside rain.
The strong gush of wind, the pellet of rain.
Poor bushes. Swaying in the cold cold rain.
Tormented by the cold cold wind, while standing tall.
How admirable.

What's the future going to hold?
Will I still feel the way I do now, one year from now?
Is this one of the many periodic episodes?
The ones that come and go?

Will I look back, a few years from now, and laugh at myself?
Cos I certainly wish this is something special.
I've never felt this way before.
This kind of special-ness.
Is it going to last? Cos there really isn't such a thing as forever.
"While it lasts". That's what it is.

I wonder how many times has his sensibility overwrote his heart.
Baby... Dear... Darling... Silly...
Princess... Darling... Dear... Silly...
"Hey Princess..."

Why are you crying?
Because I miss him...
He'll be calling you tomorrow morning.
That's why I miss him.

Who's still keeping count?

Personally, I DO NOT believe that a person can stay drunk for 5 hours. If you have that much alcohol in your system, I would like to believe that you will be flat out cold instead. So don't take the oh-I'm-drunk-so-I-can-say-all-the-shit-I-want as an excuse for your pathetic need to have freedom of speech.

Say it out loud and sober like a real man.

Ending the chase.

I quitted the game today. I don't want it anymore.

I have been doing right by myself all along, and I suppose that will be the way for now, and in future as well.

Liberation is my best option.

I'll be right by myself.

=)

I'm watching you.

I don't know about other ladies out there, but personally, I do not like to be viewed as a sexual object.

A form of compliment? Thanks, but no thanks. Appreciate me for my wits and character, not my boobs and ass.

The lewd leers of men not only unsettle, but demean me on a certain level. The possible knowledge of what's going through their mind is creepy.

That, is one reason why I'm starting to wane off men.

I guess the next time I talk to men, I should stare at their privates. Wonder how they'll like it.

You can't do that to me!

Was away from home for the last 24 hours and when I got back, I saw a bouquet of flowers on the side table. My immediate thought was "Must be Mother's Day flower for gramps from some overseas relative." and went on with my daily routine.

After roaming around the house for an hour or so, I noticed this piece of paper on my desk. Yes, it took me THAT long to notice something.




I nearly choke.

Dumbstruck, I stared at the flowers for a minute or so.








FRANCK SURYGALA, YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!

A part of me wants to jump onto him and give a humongous bear hug, with the intensity to squeeze the life out of him. Yet a part of me is angry at the fact that he's so darn far away.

One thing for certain is that I'm going to be half exhilarated and half pissed for the next few hours.

Better to have loved and lost.

Was cleaning up my stuff when I came across a bunch of items. College ID, BankWest transaction slips, City Beach receipts, Canning staffs' name cards, Hoyts ticket stubs, Transperth tickets, Medibank card, College tuition receipt, Joy calling card and Robyn's address.

All those items bring back memories of Perth.

Perhaps it's the sappy songs of Coldplay in the background, coupled with the memories of my time in Perth. For a moment there, I experienced an ache in me which I find oh so familiar. The ache of lost love.

I'm grateful and glad for my experience in Perth. Everything I've gone through and learnt from it, and the growth in me because of that. It's a terrific time for me. Mostly fabulous, awesome, and overwhelmingly sweet. Truth be told, I can't think of any bad memories associated with it.

Even though it's now archived into a part of my past and history, I'm certain that I will never forget it. It feels like a lost love to me. Not the bitter-because-we-broke-up type, but the it's-been-really-sweet-while-it-lasts type.

To my time and experience in Perth, I just want to say, I love you and I always will. You have been a great part of me. A part of who I am now. Thank you for that.

I may be feeling the ache of a lost love, but I'm filled to the brim with the happiness of it.

I've been blessed.

Anger.

Are natural disasters the signals in life to remind us of our fragility and humanity? Are they the occasional strokes of life to bring out our compassion?

Amidst the chaos of the quake in China and cyclone in Myanmar, there is suicide bombing in India.

Just what is wrong with us?


I'm starting to question my decision of wanting to bring a child into this fucked up world.

I am grateful for . . .

The man who held out his hand to me as I was slipping.

That is why I never gave up on giving, no matter how many times I've been taken for granted.

Some people believe that things that come easy are often worthless, but that is only because they know not of its value. Not everything has to have paybacks.




Giving, in itself, is a joy.

And that is why I'm happy.

That's all that matters.

I like the fact that . . .

He noticed my varnished nails, and that they match those on my toes.

He waited up for me at 4am to arrive at his place, and let me crash for 2 consecutive days without asking why.

He goes through his wardrobe and luggage every time, because I like shirts that are long, and all he has are short ones.

He's a French speaking Italian Canadian (as his friend coins him).

He's a child at heart; playing Super Mario and Donkey Kong, and has a Transformer collectable.

He possesses minimal ability at reading in between the lines.

He's extremely particular about food.

He laughs heartily during funny scenes in films.

He looks gorgeous in dress shirts, especially in vertical stripes.

He claims to be more Singaporean than me, just because he knows of more places than I do.

He gets annoyed when I dislike his new casual shirts.

He has curly hair.

He consoles me with hugs, saying nothing at all.

He says I'm a bad influence.

He gets exasperated when he's hungry and I'm not.

He parades around in his new purchases.

He tells me about work.

He has only bottled water and packet apple juice in his fridge.

He sleeps on his tummy.

He has a collection of funky dress shirts.

He's the nicest man I've met thus far, but he disagrees with it.

I found a friend in him.

When I'm bored.

Guys Like That You're Sensitive

And not in that "cry at a drop of a hat" sort of way You just get most guys - even if you're not trying to Guys find it is easy to confide in you and tell you their secrets No wonder you tend to get close quickly in relationships!

What Do Guys Like About You?

You Probably Look Younger Than Your Age

You live a healthy lifestyle and know how to take care of yourself. You'll probably have a youthful glow for many years.

Do You Look Your Age?

You Are 80% Peaceful

You are a very peaceful person. All is good in your world, no matter what's going on. Occasionally you let your problems get to you, but you generally remain upbeat. Your inner strength is inspirational - much more so than you may realize.

How Peaceful Are You?

Men See You As: An Attainable Challenge

You know how to make your man crave more of you But you also know when to show some interest back You're good at keeping your guy guessing And over time, you'll let him know how you really feel

Do Men Find You a Challenge?

Not a Player, But You Dabble In the Game.

Sometimes a girl just wants to have fun- and when it's fun you're after, you get it. But when you want a relationship, you seem to score that as well. What you want changes from day to day and from guy to guy. Luckily, you've got the skills to get whatever you want - and pass the leftovers on to your friends.

When It Comes to Men, Are You a Player?

You Are 12% Abnormal

You are at low risk for being a psychopath. It is unlikely that you have no soul. You are at low risk for having a borderline personality. It is unlikely that you are a chaotic mess. You are at low risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is unlikely that you are in love with your own reflection. You are at low risk for having a social phobia. It is unlikely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement. You are at medium risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is somewhat likely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer.

How Abnormal Are You?

You Will Be a Modern Bride!

While you aren't ready to throw away all wedding traditions, you want a wedding with a twist You're more inspired by celebrity weddings on E! than from bridal magazines Whether this means getting married on the beach barefoot or a mariachi band for the reception... Your wedding will be a blend of old and new - white dress cocktail, personalized vows, whatever suites you!!!

What Kind of Bride Will You Be?

You Are 24% Fake

The real you is something you embrace and don't mind enhancing. You know that a few beauty secrets aren't a big deal, as long as you look good.

Are You A Fake Girl?

You Are Very Happy

Your life is totally together, and you enjoy every day. And you don't need a quiz to tell you that! You know how to find pleasure in the little things... And even when life isn't so great, you have a good sense of perspective.

How Happy Are You, Really?

The PJ's You Are Most Like: Comfortable PJ's

You're a bit conservative, traditional, and tend to follow conventions You have an understated, easy sexiness that men love People instantly find comfort in you, and you're a "best friend" to many.

What Kind of PJ's Girl Are You?

Your Waist to Hip Ratio is 0.8

You are quite curvy. Most clothes look great on you.

How Curvy Are You?

You'll Find Love Where You Least Expect It

You're the type most likely to find love... surprised? You shouldn't be! You're a fun, independent woman who is always out and about. And you're smart to sometimes leave your girlfriends behind and go it alone. Men love to approach you when you're out by yourself - including Mr. Perfect!

Where Will You Find Your Dream Guy?

You Are Upper Class

Class isn't always about money, and you've at least got the brains, manners, and interests of an upper class person. You don't have a trashy bone in your body, and you don't pretend to be someone you're not. You're comfortable with your station in life, and class issues don't really bother you. The finest things in life are within your reach, and you're comfortable enjoying them. You may end up: A business leader, corporate lawyer, or philanthropist Other people who share your class: Bill Gates, Oprah, former world leaders like Bill Clinton, and those reclusive billionaires no one ever talks about.

What Class Are You?

What Guys Think of Your Medium Straight Hair...

Smart, optimistic, easy going. You're the thinking man's ideal woman - bright, funny, and no drama.

What Do Guys Think Of Your Hair?

Your Eyes Should Be Violet

Your eyes reflect: Mystery and allure What's hidden behind your eyes: A quiet passion

What Color Should Your Eyes Be?

Your Love Element Is Metal

In love, you inspire and respect your partner. For you, love is all about fusing together for one incredible life experience. You attract others with wit and a bit of flash. Your flirting style is defined by making others want and value you. Greatness and optimism are the cornerstones of your love life. You may let go too easily, but you never get weighed down by your past. You connect best with: Earth Avoid: Fire You and another Metal element: will control and smother each other

What Element Is Your Love?

You Are 63% Independent

You've cultivated your own independent interests and personal style. But you're open minded enough to also embrace anything trendy that strikes you.

Are You an Independent Woman?

You Make a Great First Impression

You can handle almost any social situation with grace, even the tricky ones. Strangers often find you charming and interesting. You are often remembered fondly. Even if you're not naturally outgoing, you can make conversation with anyone if you need to. Whether you were born this way or had to work to get here, you are definitely charismatic. You're popular and well liked. People definitely look forward to being around you. Your social connections bring you a full and rich life. You understand how important it is to make a lasting impression.

What Kind of First Impression Do You Make?

You Go For Brains!

You want a guy with a big... brain. And of course it would be nice if he were a total hottie, but you're not counting on it. What's on the inside is what counts for you. (Besides, you can always change the outside later!)

Do You Go For A Guy's Brains or Body?

You Are a Fierce Femme

You have a wild side, and you aren't afraid to bring it out when the time is right. But you also know when to hang back and keep your "crazy chick" persona in check. In fact, some of your friends may be surprised to find out how far you can take it... You may look mild mannered, but it's all an act!

Are You a Daring Woman?

What Your Hands Say About You

You are logical, analytical, and rational. You have good verbal skills. Flexible and broad minded, you can fit in to any situation. There's no telling where your life will take you. Brainy and intelligent, you are intellectual to the point of being incomprehensible. Your emotions tend to be relaxed and uncomplicated. You don't read too much into things.

What Do Your Hands Say About You?

How You Life Your Life

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside. You tend to avoid confrontation and stay away from sticky situations. You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly. You have one big dream in your life, and you never lose sight of it.

How Do You Live Your Life?

You Can Hang With the Guys and the Girls

You've struck a good balance between girlie and laid back. You can keep it casual but when you dress up, you are as girly as the next girl.

How Feminine Are You?

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

You Are 50% Weird

Normal enough to know that you're weird... But too damn weird to do anything about it!

How Weird Are You?

You Are Brigitte Bardot

Naturally sensual and beautiful You're an exotic beauty who turns heads everywhere You've got a look that's one of a kind

What Famous Pinup Are You?

Guys Think You're Easy to Be With... But Not Easy

You're definitely a flirt - and a good one. But you also know that you shouldn't make a move on any cute guy who passes by. You save your seductive moves for someone who already knows the real you. That way, your sex appeal is just part of the whole package.

Are You An Easy Girl?

You are a Career Girl!

You may not be a CEO yet, but you're well on your way to success. You take your career seriously, and you wouldn't stop working for any guy! An independent woman, you pay for your own car, clothes, and housing. And men appreciate that - at least, the ones as driven as you are.

What Kind of Girl Are You?

You Are Jennifer Aniston

Girl next door with a free spirit. You're low key and naturally sexy. Sweet and approachable, people are attracted to your upbeat attitude. And even when life doesn't go your way, you always eventually turn things around.

Are You More Like Jennifer or Angelina?

You Are 37% Scary

You scare men off ocassionaly, but only very weak men. You're a normal woman. You're not perfect, but you're pretty darn close.

Do You Scare Off Men?

Your Quirk Factor: 69%

You're so quirky, it's hard for you to tell the difference between quirky and normal. No doubt about it, there's little about you that's "normal" or "average."

How Quirky Are You?

Your Guy Should Bring You Home

You're classy, well-mannered, and you have great social skills. And you're definitely sure to impress your guy's parents. If he doesn't bring you home to meet mom, he's crazy!

Would He Bring You Home to Mom?

Mirrored self.

It suddenly dawned upon me that my life has hit a plateau at the moment. Nothing's challenging or exciting. There's nothing to keep me occupied and I'm micro-managing my time everyday.

The insomnia is back, with me hitting the sheets between 6-9am, and waking up after a mere 4-5 hours. The bad habit of my reluctance to sleep even when I'm dead tired is back as well.

Get a job, you say. But what can it do for me other than occupying myself and generating incomes? Having worked before, be it full time or part-time, jobs can only get as challenging as a tofu is bland. I need something more than that to feed the ferocious beast in me which has an insatiable appetite for novelty.


How does one hold the same position for years? It's baffling. How can one remain at the same spot without moving? It's incomprehensible.

I'm deeply curious about anything and everything, and I'm a black hole for knowledge. I crave constant informational feed, and it bores me to stop learning at all.

This new person I'm evolving to be. This metamorphosis of my being. I find myself foreign, and it's intriguing to unearth my personality and characteristics. Those who have been with me through my teens till now, will agree that I'm a different person. Even I'm surprised at myself.


I no longer bound myself to anything, and I'm slowly uprooting myself. I know not of where my next destination will be, but I know for sure that I want to drift.

It's not the escapist in me, or the old act of rebellion. It's just that I can no longer envision myself staying safe in my comfort zone. I will not compromise to play safe anymore. And the scariest thing is, I'm starting to question if I should move forth towards varsity. As much as I want it, it's almost a conformist journey.


The birth of the wild heart and the forming of the nomadic self. What kind of journey will it bring forth to embark on?

So many questions, yet so limited the answers.

Jeux d’enfants

I'm going to catch Jeux d’enfants (Love Me If You Dare) at the Alliance Française Theatre, on 20 May (Tuesday), 8pm.

It'll be in French with English subtitles, and is approximately 93 minutes. Ticket costs S$8.20, inclusive of GST and SISTIC booking fee.

If you're interested, give me a holler.





I've been wanting to watch it since I was in Perth!

Pardon me, but I'm going to do my happy dance now.

=D

Santa Rosa

If I can document that all my prior education has been conducted in English, I will be exempted from IELTS. That will leave me with only the Tuberculosis medical, and with the S$300 spared, I can register for classes with Alliance Française de Singapour.

YES!

I can now achieve both my goals. Excellent.

On a tangential note, I am looking at getting involved with a little photography project of mine. That means sourcing for costumes and photographer. I have a person in mind, but I'll have to guard against his obsession with my legs.

All those little ventures which I'm about to embark on are getting me excited!

Get to know yourself better.

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you meet that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education:

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:

You like privacy very much because you enjoy spending time with your own thoughts. You like to disappear when you cannot find solutions to your own problems, but you would feel better if you learned to share your thoughts with a person you trust.


I think it's pretty accurate.

Well chums, you can give it a go here.

Sunny my ass.

The weather is SO humid, that it even stays that way at night.

Imagine perspiring just 10 minutes after stepping out of the shower.

I hate this weather. Bring me to a colder country please!

I swear I'm perspiring more than I did in Summer days of over 40 d.c.

Almost a leaking tap. A mobile one.

*cries*

M.I.A

Social life has been brimming for the past weeks, but somehow there is still a void inside of me. It has always been quality over quantity for me, and it still is. I really miss my girls. Never would have guess that such attachment will develop over a span of a year. Friendship is a truly amazing gift.

The biggest concern at the moment, is of losing my sight on what I want. The infusion over the past 3 months are starting to sink in, coming on in waves. I'm so afraid that I'll lose sight of myself.

And there's the realisation of other things. I'm running, because I have no idea how to face it. I don't always have a solution to everything.


A half painted canvas, the myriad of choices on colours. What picture will it be at the end of it all?


Next up, romance on the side of the plate. The unpredictable and risky situation with Franck. The slow blossoming friendships on the sideline. I want someone, and I want him here. It's time to be selfish. Being considerate only results in getting dumped. Bollocks to being nice.

All those individuals trying to make use of me. I'm not allowing that.


Filled with confusion and contradiction. Seems to be a perpetual stage of my life.


I am who I make myself to be. The consequences of all decisions and choices are mine. I'm responsible and answerable only to myself.

There's only one life, and only one chance at it.

I will soar with the eagles.

I must remember that.

Shit Speak

I don't have an accent. I just speak PROPERLY.

So, FUCK YOU!

And don't touch me again.

You're not my Italian muse. Not even close to it.