Broken Dreams

As children bring their broken toys,

With tears for us to mend.

I brought my broken dreams to God,

Because He was my friend.

But then instead of leaving Him,

In peace to work alone.

I hung around and tried to help,

With ways that were my own.

At last I snatched them back and cried,

How could you be so slow?

My child, He said,

What could I do? You never did let go.

Credit to NameAndThingsZone.com.

Heavy hearted.

Too many things on my mind, which are all too mingled to sort them out. Heavy heart, with a tinge of pain.

Is this as good as it gets?

心

会变质的爱，还算是爱吗?

世界上是否真有不变质的爱?

不在乎天长地久，只在乎曾经拥有。

有多少人能够真正的接受这番话?

有多少人能够无怨无悔的跟从这主义?

我有一份爱。

一份我想让它天长地久的爱。

我有一个他。

一个我想步下红毯的他。

问题是。。。

会变质的爱，还算是爱吗?

Ghost

Starting to lose sleep again, and of all times, it has to be a week away from the follow-up appointment at NUH.

The cycle started the night after I told Jessica babe about my probable decision regarding Flinders. She was pretty shocked and commented "But you've spent so long thinking about it!" That is the true fact of the matter. I have spent the past two years planning and looking upon the day to come, and just shortly before the final realisation of this "dream", I realised that it might not be what I've always thought it to be.

What a contradiction. A huge one, to top it off.

Hasn't have the time to calmly think about every factors surrounding this issues, and have yet to speak to Old Bean about it. Uncertain of his reaction to my decision, when he has already said that my main concern will be to deal with my studies, and everything else will be dealt with by him. He is truly the rock in my life. My Superman. Yet, will I have the heart to put him through another four years of financial strain? I'm finally working and being fully financial independent, and this has been a huge relief for myself. I'm sure it has been a relief in a way for him too. Adding to that, the imbecile of a brother who's living off the family and not feeling embarrassed or guilty about it. I doubt I will be as selfish. I have been, for way too long in the past, and I'm glad that it's finally out of my system. So why will I justify the attempt to get back into it?

I'm glad that I've been given the precious opportunity to head to Perth for a short period, and to see and understand that the world is as vast as we can ever imagine. I crave and lust for that opportunity again, but now just isn't the time. I've just been too stubborn to face it, must less admit it. All these changed when Hendrik came into the picture. He made me realised that some things just cannot be avoided by simply running away. And yes, I'm trying to find the courage and strength to admit and deal with things which I've been running away from for years.

Recently, the emotion of having to give up Flinders is starting to dawn upon my heart, and the aches of a broken heart is thumping endlessly. Tears have been shed and I was reminded of the time when I received the letter which told the fate of my unsuccessful admission for year 2008. The heartache I felt then seems to be back, although a little less forceful this time around. But still, a lost is a lost. Even if it comes from an impending one.

To be stubborn and to venture on, will be the ultimate selfish act, and the most irresponsible. It will mark who I want to be for the rest of my life. A woman who runs away at the sight of a problem. What kind of wife and mother will I be then? What kind of values will I instill in my future child? Before I can nurture someone, I will have to first nurture myself.

No longer the youth I once was, or even an young adult (shamelessly trying to hold on to that title will just be an immature act), I have to take into consideration the people around me. Only those who matters of course. Not every Tom, Dick or Harry, or May, Jean or Mary.

I fear the final realisation, and of the time when I have to admit that it has been a mistake which I have been chasing for so long. Maybe it isn't, maybe it is. I don't know. All I know is that I'm feeling lost, and feeling really vulnerable because of that. The wind has shifted and the tide has changed. Time for a new course. Being the captain of one's own vessel is indeed never easy. I can simply choose to indulge in the easy option of conforming to the norm, and leading a comfortable and acceptable life. But that will never rest well with myself. Deep inside, I need more than that to nourish my soul and being. Material is only as realistic and material as it can get, and I will not base that as the bottomline of my existence. It took a great turn in life for me to realise that, and I am never allowing myself to go back to that unhappy path again.

The most important goal now is to sort out those entanglements in me, and to seek a definite direction soon.

As much as that is my goal for now, one question lingers however.

Will opportunity knock twice?

I know not of, and I can think not of.

Dating Your Superior At Work 101

Rule Number 1 - Never let people have the basis to think that you're having it easy just because you're dating the superior.

NEVER.

Sure as hell isn't easy to draw the line at being civil towards each other, when all you want to do is to give him a hug so tight, you will squeeze the life out of him.

Damn it.

Back to Nature

Need to get back to being holistic again.

Sleep, fruits, vegetables, yoga, pilates, swimming, meditation, and writing.

Pretty unhappy with the nonsense that I'm turning into. Need more daylight.

*grumpy*

Officially first.

The best photo of the night. Thanks babe!

I love the look of happiness on both our faces. I love that little bit of candidness of the photo. I love our body language. Most importantly, I love him.

=)

Now I just have to find a way to get this into my mobile. Can't use the bluetooth device as I can't find the installation CD!

My place is a mess!

=[

Time.

Time to do what I want to do, instead of what others want me to do.

Time is now a luxury I have.

For self, for family, for partner, for friends, for love.

For all that matters.

For Elise.

=)

T-Boy

"From far when I look at you sweep the floor, I can't help but to have the thought that you'll be a good housewife in future. Because it's just sweeping the floor and you're so meticulous."

"Erm... I take that as a compliment?"

C-17-H-17-Cl-N-6-O-3

Now that I know what it does when in overdose, and when combined with alcohol.

Should have never googled it.

Kent Ridge Wing 2 - Neuroscience Clinic

The psychiatrist with a beard, that makes him looks like a terrorist. Kind of intriguing, in fact. Those simple questions asked, which crumpled the defenses built. Fortunately the defenses have a strong foundation, so I held up pretty well. Could have been worse, but thankfully I've been through it before, which makes things easier, just by a little each time.

And because he was there. I'm not going to let him witness my breakdown.

"Did you have suicidal thoughts recently?"

I lied. I did. Briefly.

It was a lot of things, but mostly haunting past. That ache in your heart that takes away all, but the most minimal of your breath. Makes you want to stop breathing all together.

It is so much easier when there are only you. But now it's not. It is so much more complicated. Makes it a good and bad thing. Good that it's keeping me alive. Bad that it's stopping me from decisions I want to make.

I can't find it in myself to be selfish. It will hurt many people. Much more than I think or know.


Too much honesty leads to too much judgment. Something I don't need right now. Especially not from him. So indeed, there is a limit to my honesty. 

"Don't pack up and go." 

I really wish I can. Perhaps my life will be endless episodes of pack-and-go. Fight-or-flight will be constantly activated. I don't know. I really don't.


Need to keep myself busy from now on. Too much free time is bad for my mind. That freaking voice I can't get out of my head. That one that screams RUN.

I know I need to stay grounded. That is my cure.

Silence, Elise.

All is good.

Do not eat where you shit.

The truth that rings with this statement is so intense that it's driving me deaf. Wise words are wise words, although they sometimes don't sound very graceful. But that's the brutal truth!

Honesty in bright day light, so to speak. There will certainly be doubts and some fumbling along the way, but somehow I feel that this will go right. The last time I felt this way was 6 years ago. How ironic that the timing is almost coincidental.

There are many things to be thought through, and there are many decisions to be made. Will what one gives up be one's regret in future? Nobody knows for sure. The future is too misty and far off. We have to treasure and hold on to the present.

What do I want?

I want you to be able to trust me on my words. I want you to know and be confident in the fact that I made the decision to stand by you. And when the time comes that I promise my commitment, please trust me fully on it. Don't doubt me. Trust is a really precious gift in my eyes.

Let there be trust and respect.

What do I want?

I want to continue earning my own keep. I want to relieve my dad of his load. I want to be part of the family, to contribute to it. If, at the end of the day, that piece of paper is what I really want, I want to earn it on my own. It's a decision on my part to choose this particular path, when there are other easier ones available. So therefore, I have to be responsible for my own wants and desires.

What do I want?

I want a life of my own. I want to paint my canvas the way I deem fit. I want to steer and hoist my vessel in the direction I see fit. I want to live for myself and for those whom I care. I want to put my heart and soul into every single things I do, and be proud of it. As long as I'm able to answer to myself, that is all that matters.

So who is Elise? Who will she be?

I don't know.

I only know that she's crazy.

And damn proud of it.

=)

Self-Destruction

Been losing sleep and appetite. Broken my previous record of staying awake, with the current statistic being 39 hours.

Even valium prescribed by the doctor doesn't work. Only alcohol does. Therefore I'm back to drinking again, to the point that even Terence asked if I've been drinking. He said that the signs are there. I don't know what the signs are, and I don't care. I just want to feel tired and be able to fall asleep. I just want to be so tired that I can't think. I like that.

2 bottles within an hour and I'm way too tired now. Will definitely knock out within 5 minutes of hitting the sheets.

Thank you so much for your company tonight, though I graced our reunion with my personal tears.

And right now, I really wish Remo's by my side. But my thoughts are with Bamboo.

CS asked why did I even bother about those matters so deeply, when I'm not even into it for the long run. Even CW asked the same thing. But I've already identify myself with the place. I've grown too deeply in it.

I think I'm on the path to self-destruction, and I doubt anyone will be there to catch me when I do. Maybe I'll finally be able to strike off one matter from my Weirdo Wish List afterall.

Nobody's gonna know, because nobody knows I'm writing again.

To free-falling.

To my destruction.

To everything.

Thank you, with Love.

Thank you to those who has so patiently endured my unreasonable flare ups, and for taking the beating and anger directed at them, which they don't deserve.

Thank you for always being there, entertaining and enduring my nonsense, and lending an ear or shoulder when I needed one.

You have been a tremendously awesome friend. Be it once before, or ever on.

To Dex.

To CS.

To Jerome.

To Sharon.

To Remo.

Thank you so much, and with lots of love. Truly from the bottom of my heart.

Tonight has been wonderful, meeting up with my precious darling Cheryl. The reminiscent of the past has been funny and insightful, while the hypothetical questioning of the future has been thought provoking. Where will we be in a couple of years down the road, and what will we be doing, is an interesting blank slate. Will we be settled or still wandering, we can't predict. But the past and the present have been excellent and blissful.

Looking forward to our next outing, where we will be having a game of pool! Doing things we haven't done in ages. Thank you for being such a sport.

Time spent might be minimal, but the happiness is bountiful.

I have a feeling that I'll be able to sleep well tonight. Something I've been wishing for for the past week.

=)

Till death parts us all.

When someone closest to you departs the living, several truth hits you. The realisation that they will never be there again, that you will never get the chance to speak to them again. The realisation that someone is gone, bringing along everything that links you to them, except for the memories left, which might not be much, as we often don't treasure what we've got till it's gone.

Death can be a blessing for those who have lived their dues, or those suffering from an illness. In such instances, death is a form of release for them and us. But when death lay claim over someone in their youth, it seems such a cruel twist. The immense possibilities become impossible in just a snap of the finger. It brings about the fact that you might be the one due for claim, and perhaps you have never really truly live your life the way you want to.

Till death parts us all; from the young and promising, to the aged and wise.

Till death parts us all.


So to all my loves, are you living your life to the fullest? Have you left any rooms for regrets?

Promise me, never to tear when the day comes for death to grace me. For I have lived and loved. And will be.

Till death parts us all.

The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all your Tears wash out a Word of it.


- Omar Khayyám