Do not eat where you shit.

The truth that rings with this statement is so intense that it's driving me deaf. Wise words are wise words, although they sometimes don't sound very graceful. But that's the brutal truth!

Honesty in bright day light, so to speak. There will certainly be doubts and some fumbling along the way, but somehow I feel that this will go right. The last time I felt this way was 6 years ago. How ironic that the timing is almost coincidental.

There are many things to be thought through, and there are many decisions to be made. Will what one gives up be one's regret in future? Nobody knows for sure. The future is too misty and far off. We have to treasure and hold on to the present.

What do I want?

I want you to be able to trust me on my words. I want you to know and be confident in the fact that I made the decision to stand by you. And when the time comes that I promise my commitment, please trust me fully on it. Don't doubt me. Trust is a really precious gift in my eyes.

Let there be trust and respect.

What do I want?

I want to continue earning my own keep. I want to relieve my dad of his load. I want to be part of the family, to contribute to it. If, at the end of the day, that piece of paper is what I really want, I want to earn it on my own. It's a decision on my part to choose this particular path, when there are other easier ones available. So therefore, I have to be responsible for my own wants and desires.

What do I want?

I want a life of my own. I want to paint my canvas the way I deem fit. I want to steer and hoist my vessel in the direction I see fit. I want to live for myself and for those whom I care. I want to put my heart and soul into every single things I do, and be proud of it. As long as I'm able to answer to myself, that is all that matters.

So who is Elise? Who will she be?

I don't know.

I only know that she's crazy.

And damn proud of it.

=)

Self-Destruction

Been losing sleep and appetite. Broken my previous record of staying awake, with the current statistic being 39 hours.

Even valium prescribed by the doctor doesn't work. Only alcohol does. Therefore I'm back to drinking again, to the point that even Terence asked if I've been drinking. He said that the signs are there. I don't know what the signs are, and I don't care. I just want to feel tired and be able to fall asleep. I just want to be so tired that I can't think. I like that.

2 bottles within an hour and I'm way too tired now. Will definitely knock out within 5 minutes of hitting the sheets.

Thank you so much for your company tonight, though I graced our reunion with my personal tears.

And right now, I really wish Remo's by my side. But my thoughts are with Bamboo.

CS asked why did I even bother about those matters so deeply, when I'm not even into it for the long run. Even CW asked the same thing. But I've already identify myself with the place. I've grown too deeply in it.

I think I'm on the path to self-destruction, and I doubt anyone will be there to catch me when I do. Maybe I'll finally be able to strike off one matter from my Weirdo Wish List afterall.

Nobody's gonna know, because nobody knows I'm writing again.

To free-falling.

To my destruction.

To everything.

Thank you, with Love.

Thank you to those who has so patiently endured my unreasonable flare ups, and for taking the beating and anger directed at them, which they don't deserve.

Thank you for always being there, entertaining and enduring my nonsense, and lending an ear or shoulder when I needed one.

You have been a tremendously awesome friend. Be it once before, or ever on.

To Dex.

To CS.

To Jerome.

To Sharon.

To Remo.

Thank you so much, and with lots of love. Truly from the bottom of my heart.

Tonight has been wonderful, meeting up with my precious darling Cheryl. The reminiscent of the past has been funny and insightful, while the hypothetical questioning of the future has been thought provoking. Where will we be in a couple of years down the road, and what will we be doing, is an interesting blank slate. Will we be settled or still wandering, we can't predict. But the past and the present have been excellent and blissful.

Looking forward to our next outing, where we will be having a game of pool! Doing things we haven't done in ages. Thank you for being such a sport.

Time spent might be minimal, but the happiness is bountiful.

I have a feeling that I'll be able to sleep well tonight. Something I've been wishing for for the past week.

=)

Till death parts us all.

When someone closest to you departs the living, several truth hits you. The realisation that they will never be there again, that you will never get the chance to speak to them again. The realisation that someone is gone, bringing along everything that links you to them, except for the memories left, which might not be much, as we often don't treasure what we've got till it's gone.

Death can be a blessing for those who have lived their dues, or those suffering from an illness. In such instances, death is a form of release for them and us. But when death lay claim over someone in their youth, it seems such a cruel twist. The immense possibilities become impossible in just a snap of the finger. It brings about the fact that you might be the one due for claim, and perhaps you have never really truly live your life the way you want to.

Till death parts us all; from the young and promising, to the aged and wise.

Till death parts us all.


So to all my loves, are you living your life to the fullest? Have you left any rooms for regrets?

Promise me, never to tear when the day comes for death to grace me. For I have lived and loved. And will be.

Till death parts us all.

The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all your Tears wash out a Word of it.


- Omar Khayyám

What a week!

Monday (14/09)

Down with flu and sore throat. 1-day MC.

In bed all day.

Tuesday (15/09)

Went to work but headed home after 2 hours. Cough developed.

In bed all day.

Wednesday (16/09)

Took leave for my birthday, but was still sick. Took a turn for the worst, with a fever developing. Headed to another doctor.

In bed all day.

Thursday (17/09)

Given stronger medication and 2-days MC.

In bed all day.

Friday (18/09)

Still on MC.

In bed all day.

That marks the most fabulous birthday week of mine.

Thank you very much.

Darn it.

Change

We don't like it, we fear it.
But we can't stop it from coming.
We either adapt to change, or we get left behind.

It hurts to grow.
Anybody who tells you it doesn't, is lying.

But here's the truth.
Sometimes, the more things change, the more they stay the same.
And sometimes, sometimes change is good.

And sometimes, change is everything.


- Grey's Anatomy

Let Go and Move On

If you've reached for her but never got her, you've never had her in the first place, and she doesn't owe you anything.

If you have her but she wants to leave, holding on to her will only tear away what's left between you.

If you've never had her or she's left you, it was never meant to be. She's move on and so should you.

If you are lucky enough to come back to it, perhaps.

Until then, let go my friend, and move on.


All credit goes to Marcus Ooi (Mooiness).

Marriage

I believe that I do not need marriage to prove my love, ability and sincerity to carry through my decision to commit to someone.

Marriage is a legal ceremony to protect the parties involved, but unless a child comes into the picture, marriage is not necessarily the path I'll walk down. But it doesn't mean that I will not get married. I just don't find it necessary.

If I need an insurance to back my decision to spend the rest of my life with someone, then perhaps I'm better off not doing so. If I need an incentive to honour my words, then perhaps I'm better off not saying them.


It's a commitment. It's a decision saying "Yes, I'll walk through thick and thin, ups and downs, for better or worst, with you." It's the sharing of a common goal between two individuals, learning and accepting their differences, and sincerely wanting to make it through together. It's a balance of giving and taking. It's the complements of strengths and weaknesses. It is something which goes beyond the emotions.

When the honeymoon period is over, when the feeling of love is gone, when the daily routines get dull, when the sex is no longer sizzling, when the beautiful becomes the ugly, when what attracts becomes repulsive, will you still hold on to your partner's hand? Or will you pack up and leave, since society has made parting a relatively breezy proceeding?


Going beyond the fluttering of the heart, the hyperventilation, the butterflies in the stomach, and the nervous speechlessness, what do you make of the moments when your partner has to leave in the midst of a dinner date due to urgent crop ups? How about when your partner forgets the anniversaries? Or when your partner ceases to notice the change in hairstyle or that new dress?

Will you take on the problems with your partner, determined for resolve, or will you turn to someone else who understands you better? How about when you no longer feel the excitement of the chase? Will you make the effort to invent new ways to spice things up, or will you just indulge in a new chase from someone else?


As I always say, "It's the perspective."

And right now at this moment, this is my perspective. Will it change as I grow older? Perhaps. But as usual, "It's the perspective." Why wonder about what's to come when it's the present we should cherish and focus on. Life is too short to wonder about the "what ifs" and "if only".

The once sacred marriage is now reduced to a flimsy ceremony with a fluid nature. So do I really need it to make a commitment?

I don't need it, I just want it. And do I really need what I want?

Not necessarily.

Double Identity

Starting next month, I'll be a Research Analyst by weekdays, and Guest Relations Officer by weekends.

Goodbye social life!

Cycle of Life

Gunther von Hagens's latest exhibition in Berlin, Cycle of Life, has sparked several controversies due to the elements of copulation and reproduction present. People remarked that it's disrespectful for the bodies, but I find that there is nothing wrong or disrespectful with that. Death and sex shouldn't be controversial taboos in this age of time. They are a part of life, and part of creation. And in the name of Science and Education, I really don't see why there should be so much talks about it.

If I can, I will definitely go for the exhibition!

Served.

All the technical jargons for the new job is driving me insane. I'm definitely a tech-idiot!

Somebody help me!

>[

Beyond the fantasy.

That reality I let slip, carelessly tossed to the wind without caution.

That delirious freedom, with its coppery after-taste on the tip of the tongue.

That emotional bath, which cleanses and heals the soul within.

That accidental embrace, unleashing a dormant desire within.

Of all the slipping and sliding, of all those who stood by watching.

Of all those who held out in vain, of all those who jumped right in.

Of all those who loved so fiercely, of all those who's hurting so deeply.

Of all those who lost their minds, of all those who gained clarity.

That delicious slip, a slash of the soul.

That devils' trade, the exchange of souls.

That forbidden fruit, of exotic taste.

That evil eye, it bores right through you.

Let go, my child.

Let the freedom embrace.

Seek no truth from it.

Tell no lies to it.

Listen.

Watch.

Touch.

Inhale.

Awaken those senses, ever so still.

Prick the index, let the crimson flow.

Core of life, clown of heart.

Purple diamond, emerald crystal.

One day she's here, the next she's gone.

Those bright eyes so deep, the window of souls.

Those rubies so tender, leaves strawberry kisses.

Those traces so gentle, of downs and feathers.

Devil or angel?

No one knows for sure.

Fresh & French!

Had brunch with Sharon at Fre(n)sh, located at Vivo. Selected the alfresco section, enjoying the fabulous breeze and calming sound of water. A great way to spend a lazy afternoon!

=D

Love the quaint table. Really colourful and quirky, just the way I like it.

=)

The first time ever that I tasted a mushroom soup in its most authentic flavour. Forget the Campbell version. It's the real stuff here, with mushroom bits in it! Totally in love with it!

First time having escargot, and my comment was... "It tastes like mud."

Of which, Sharon gave me a "can't-be-bothered" look.

=P

Next up comes the foie gras tartine. My first taste of it as well.  

"It taste like duck."

Of which she said "And where does foie gras comes from?"

Cues "can't-be-bothered" look.

=P

Then comes the highlight of the meal! I absolutely love fresh salad, and this one has a cheese which is slightly strong in flavour, with a really nice texture to it. Subsequently found out that it's emmental cheese! My new love!

Fresh lettuce, cherry tomatoes, field mushrooms, ham cubes, emmental cheese, and a light dressing. Give it to me everyday!

*drools*

Last but not least, a great creme brulee to finish the palate. Something sweet and smooth against the tongue.

Lovely brunch it was!

Will love to head back some time again.

The Best Friend

Never expected to receive an email from you, thus the initial thought of it being a lame chain mail. It's been so long. A year? Slightly more.

The several attempts at trying to meet up with you after coming home, only to be rejected. Until one day you told a lie to a common friend. That marks the end of whatever we had. I thought you didn't want me any more. It hurts to lose someone so close. It was tough.

This little surprise which came a little too late, as you call it. Is it? I'm still here. I haven't left. I'm always here.

The heart felt a dull tug and the muffled emotions arise. They dug at the mist which was laid to ensure closure. There's a dull scream inside. Something trying hard to break its way out. I think I can't breathe. It's difficult. It's hurting. I think the tears are welling up, but something is holding them back. That incessant dull tug. I want to hurt myself. This isn't real. You didn't come back. Not after so long.

How ever could you let me go and come back now? What am I to you? What ever was that that we ever had? Was it so transient as for you to give them up? I always thought you didn't want me any more. And now you're telling me you thought about me always? What is this? It fucking hurts. I don't want to breathe.

How could you lie and leave me hanging, coming back when the wound is healed? Perhaps it never did heal. That fucking gap in the flesh. That torrent of blood seeping out every day. The emotions and the hurt. Everything we ever had.

I feel so sick I'm going to puke. How could you? The tears won't flow and the dull hurting won't go away. How am I supposed to deal with this? I don't want to breathe!

What's with people walking out of my life? If you want to walk out and take away a part of me with you, then don't ever fucking come back. Do you have any idea how much that hurts?

The tears are finally flowing. Are you happy?

Will we ever go back to what we once were?

I don't want to know. I don't want you back. It hurts too much. That dull tug inside.

Stabbing myself might even hurt less.

But I can't bring myself to hate you. You once were.

For everything you once were...

I thought you didn't want me any more.

Now how do I change that?

Open Letter

Dear friend,

I'm not as brave as you think I am. Mostly, I just pretend to be, barging head on, dealing with the consequences only when they come. Other than that, I'm just plain crazy and open to the idea of trying everything and anything, as much as I can. Call that brave? I don't think so. It's just trying to live life like never before. And hey, asking yourself "What will you choose if you know you're going to die in a month" works pretty well thus far for me. Give it a try?

One thing we're born to do is to learn. It never ends. Thus far, we've learnt to sit up, stand, walk, jump, run, swim, cycle, talk, sing, scream, draw, feed ourselves, dress ourselves, and many many more. We go on to learn how to skate, snorkel, canoe, drive, shoot and many many more. Learning to be independent and being self-sufficient will come in one day, only if you let them. It has nothing to do with whether or not you're brave. It has to do with whether you're willing to accept them into your life. Give them a try?

Seek, and you shall find.
Ask, and you shall receive.

Give them a try my dear friend.

After all, we fell countless of times while trying to walk. So what's the difference with a few more now? Do we give up taking a chance just because we're more conscious of the fall now? Will you live with that? If your answer is yes, then perhaps a three-year old is better off than you, and yes, braver than you too.

Sometimes it's about letting go and taking chances. Sometimes it's about pretending to be brave. Sometimes it's about being thoughtless and careless, throwing oneself into the fire and living it out. Sometimes it's about being curious and spontaneous. Sometimes it's about playing safe. Sometimes it's about practicality. Sometimes it's about everything. Sometimes it's about nothing. Sometimes it just is.

It's not about being brave, because I'm definitely not brave. It's just that crazy and pretence work for me.

You'll find something which works for you. You will.

Otherwise, I'll share my crazy and pretence with you. I promise.

You can do it my dear friend. You're more than you give yourself credit for.

I love you.

=)

Xoxo,
Elise