Calm

I want this heart to stop beating because it is hurting too much.

That was what just went through my mind, and I wondered if somewhere else in the world, at this exact moment, someone else is hurting like I do. I need to write.

Was going through the list of people whom I can go to during such moment, and one by one, I cancel them out. Gave myself reasons as to why they won't be there for me. The smaller the list got, the worst I felt. Who is going to be there for you at 3AM in the morning? Can't think of anyone. So I cried even more. Feeling even worse.

Then I thought of what he wrote. "Means to be 24/7 ready for you." What sweet words, but from another man who is not my partner. From a friend.

The one person I desperately want to go to but can't, because I am so afraid that he will turn me away. That he will finally see the light of who I am, a total wreak, and rejects me.

The silence game. I can't take it anymore. It gives me bad thoughts which my mind spins stories out of. It's all just lies.

"I love you more than you can imagine. Remember that."

Lies. If you really love me, then you won't be playing the silence game. Why aren't you able to see that I'm hurting inside? Why is it that someone else whom I hardly ever meet can sense that something is wrong from just one text, but not you, who sees me daily? Is your ego really that important to you? I'm not even comparable or worthy to something so intangible and non-physical.

You open yourself up to someone, but one day they will turn around and stomp all over your exposed self.

I'm too much of a coward to end everything. I don't have the courage to cut so deep that the body won't heal. The only thing I can do is to numb myself. I want to drink. I want to feel the tiredness that envelops me with warmth. It tells me that everything will be all right. That it is all right to fall and fail. That I will stand up again. It tells me to go to sleep. To hand over myself in confidence to its blanket of security. That false sense of being protected from harm. Yes I know it's false, but at least it sooths and calms the chao within.

I want to disappear. I want to run away. I want to vanish so desperately but there's nothing I can do. Feels stuck in the middle of a two-way traffic. Fear. Too much fear.

I don't want to think and I don't want to feel anymore.

Nothing is worth it all. I can't see the light at the end. There's no fucking light like everyone says. It is bullshit. I feel so small. Like a speck of dust.

I want to be erased. Yes, people will be hurt. But they will get over it eventually. I just don't see the way out of this dark madness.

Take me away in my sleep. That will be the easiest way out.
Body, please just fail on me.
Let me go.