Knowing

Knowing, can be a good thing. At the same time, it can be a bad thing. Whichever nature it takes, depends on how one reacts to the situation of knowing.

You might open up a can of worms which you can't deal with, leading to knowing being a bad thing. Or you can emerge a better person, by learning to deal effectively with the revelation of knowing, which makes it a good thing.

So how will I deal with this new knowledge which I've stumbled upon? I'm taking the road of effective management. Somehow I will come out of it a better person, armed with the knowledge of having known, and with much better understanding of the situation.

Knowing can be a good or bad thing, depending on how you deal with it.

P.S. I'm madly in love with John Mayer. "Battle Studies" is awesome! A pity I can't sing along. Darn it for losing my voice.

I love Life. I am truly blessed to be alive. Everyday is a blessing and a miracle.

I love Life.

Urge

Urge (noun) - a force or impulse that urges; especially : a continuing impulse toward an activity or goal.

Extracted from Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary.

"I am sick. I do not have control over my life, and the only time when I feel I do, is when I cut myself."

Reading that gave me the urge to cut myself, but fortunately, I have better sense than to submit to it.

"You are not sick. You are just a normal person who is reacting to an abnormal circumstance."

Reading that made me teared, as I was reminded of the exact same words being told to me. But somehow deep down, I feel that there is something wrong with myself. Everyday, I'm fighting and learning to purge this thought. Yet every time, I saw the girl who told.

Inner demons. They are so hard to silence once you allow them to grow.

New Beginning.

Taking a little at a time, slowly treading into this new territory I've set my heart on, for now.

"Do you foresee yourself being in this industry, 10 years from now?"

The answer is something which I know very well right from the start. This passion is one which will burn out eventually. My heart has long been stolen by something else.

Whether I'll ever get the chance again to embark on my ultimate passion, is something which has been weighing on my mind ever since, and it's slowly imprinting a scar on me. A constant reminder of my failure in not having fought harder for myself. A heart-wrenching lesson learnt, and a heavy price to pay.

I've always counted on my lucky stars to have a smooth sailing life, advancing onto the next stage of life without any stumbling block. Not much effort was ever required from my part, which makes taking things for granted, even more convenient an option. I guess this is my retribution. A sign that I will have to pull up my socks now, otherwise I'm not going to get what I really want.

It is a difficult lesson, and it might, or might not be, a detour. I will like to believe that it is a detour. A stumbling block. I just have to learn to pick myself up and continue on towards my goal. I hope I will have more faith in this. I need to have more faith.

Time has been spent on allowing myself to crumble, and now it's time to pick everything up and reinvent myself. The tough cookie exterior is to be donned again.

I will give my best for what I've pledged myself to, and I will carry through with this new commitment. It is ALL or NOTHING. And I choose ALL.

I will not give up. Despair will be kept at bay.

For I am strong.

The End.

Death of the velvet goose.

Death of what I could have been.

Death of me.

Just a mere shadow now.

Detached.

Unfeeling.

All that is left are fragments of a broken heart.

Without passion.

Without motivation.

Perhaps a grey goose will rise from the ashes.

Perhaps.

Broken Dreams

As children bring their broken toys,

With tears for us to mend.

I brought my broken dreams to God,

Because He was my friend.

But then instead of leaving Him,

In peace to work alone.

I hung around and tried to help,

With ways that were my own.

At last I snatched them back and cried,

How could you be so slow?

My child, He said,

What could I do? You never did let go.

Credit to NameAndThingsZone.com.

Heavy hearted.

Too many things on my mind, which are all too mingled to sort them out. Heavy heart, with a tinge of pain.

Is this as good as it gets?

心

会变质的爱，还算是爱吗?

世界上是否真有不变质的爱?

不在乎天长地久，只在乎曾经拥有。

有多少人能够真正的接受这番话?

有多少人能够无怨无悔的跟从这主义?

我有一份爱。

一份我想让它天长地久的爱。

我有一个他。

一个我想步下红毯的他。

问题是。。。

会变质的爱，还算是爱吗?

Ghost

Starting to lose sleep again, and of all times, it has to be a week away from the follow-up appointment at NUH.

The cycle started the night after I told Jessica babe about my probable decision regarding Flinders. She was pretty shocked and commented "But you've spent so long thinking about it!" That is the true fact of the matter. I have spent the past two years planning and looking upon the day to come, and just shortly before the final realisation of this "dream", I realised that it might not be what I've always thought it to be.

What a contradiction. A huge one, to top it off.

Hasn't have the time to calmly think about every factors surrounding this issues, and have yet to speak to Old Bean about it. Uncertain of his reaction to my decision, when he has already said that my main concern will be to deal with my studies, and everything else will be dealt with by him. He is truly the rock in my life. My Superman. Yet, will I have the heart to put him through another four years of financial strain? I'm finally working and being fully financial independent, and this has been a huge relief for myself. I'm sure it has been a relief in a way for him too. Adding to that, the imbecile of a brother who's living off the family and not feeling embarrassed or guilty about it. I doubt I will be as selfish. I have been, for way too long in the past, and I'm glad that it's finally out of my system. So why will I justify the attempt to get back into it?

I'm glad that I've been given the precious opportunity to head to Perth for a short period, and to see and understand that the world is as vast as we can ever imagine. I crave and lust for that opportunity again, but now just isn't the time. I've just been too stubborn to face it, must less admit it. All these changed when Hendrik came into the picture. He made me realised that some things just cannot be avoided by simply running away. And yes, I'm trying to find the courage and strength to admit and deal with things which I've been running away from for years.

Recently, the emotion of having to give up Flinders is starting to dawn upon my heart, and the aches of a broken heart is thumping endlessly. Tears have been shed and I was reminded of the time when I received the letter which told the fate of my unsuccessful admission for year 2008. The heartache I felt then seems to be back, although a little less forceful this time around. But still, a lost is a lost. Even if it comes from an impending one.

To be stubborn and to venture on, will be the ultimate selfish act, and the most irresponsible. It will mark who I want to be for the rest of my life. A woman who runs away at the sight of a problem. What kind of wife and mother will I be then? What kind of values will I instill in my future child? Before I can nurture someone, I will have to first nurture myself.

No longer the youth I once was, or even an young adult (shamelessly trying to hold on to that title will just be an immature act), I have to take into consideration the people around me. Only those who matters of course. Not every Tom, Dick or Harry, or May, Jean or Mary.

I fear the final realisation, and of the time when I have to admit that it has been a mistake which I have been chasing for so long. Maybe it isn't, maybe it is. I don't know. All I know is that I'm feeling lost, and feeling really vulnerable because of that. The wind has shifted and the tide has changed. Time for a new course. Being the captain of one's own vessel is indeed never easy. I can simply choose to indulge in the easy option of conforming to the norm, and leading a comfortable and acceptable life. But that will never rest well with myself. Deep inside, I need more than that to nourish my soul and being. Material is only as realistic and material as it can get, and I will not base that as the bottomline of my existence. It took a great turn in life for me to realise that, and I am never allowing myself to go back to that unhappy path again.

The most important goal now is to sort out those entanglements in me, and to seek a definite direction soon.

As much as that is my goal for now, one question lingers however.

Will opportunity knock twice?

I know not of, and I can think not of.

Dating Your Superior At Work 101

Rule Number 1 - Never let people have the basis to think that you're having it easy just because you're dating the superior.

NEVER.

Sure as hell isn't easy to draw the line at being civil towards each other, when all you want to do is to give him a hug so tight, you will squeeze the life out of him.

Damn it.

Back to Nature

Need to get back to being holistic again.

Sleep, fruits, vegetables, yoga, pilates, swimming, meditation, and writing.

Pretty unhappy with the nonsense that I'm turning into. Need more daylight.

*grumpy*

Officially first.

The best photo of the night. Thanks babe!

I love the look of happiness on both our faces. I love that little bit of candidness of the photo. I love our body language. Most importantly, I love him.

=)

Now I just have to find a way to get this into my mobile. Can't use the bluetooth device as I can't find the installation CD!

My place is a mess!

=[

Time.

Time to do what I want to do, instead of what others want me to do.

Time is now a luxury I have.

For self, for family, for partner, for friends, for love.

For all that matters.

For Elise.

=)

T-Boy

"From far when I look at you sweep the floor, I can't help but to have the thought that you'll be a good housewife in future. Because it's just sweeping the floor and you're so meticulous."

"Erm... I take that as a compliment?"

C-17-H-17-Cl-N-6-O-3

Now that I know what it does when in overdose, and when combined with alcohol.

Should have never googled it.

Kent Ridge Wing 2 - Neuroscience Clinic

The psychiatrist with a beard, that makes him looks like a terrorist. Kind of intriguing, in fact. Those simple questions asked, which crumpled the defenses built. Fortunately the defenses have a strong foundation, so I held up pretty well. Could have been worse, but thankfully I've been through it before, which makes things easier, just by a little each time.

And because he was there. I'm not going to let him witness my breakdown.

"Did you have suicidal thoughts recently?"

I lied. I did. Briefly.

It was a lot of things, but mostly haunting past. That ache in your heart that takes away all, but the most minimal of your breath. Makes you want to stop breathing all together.

It is so much easier when there are only you. But now it's not. It is so much more complicated. Makes it a good and bad thing. Good that it's keeping me alive. Bad that it's stopping me from decisions I want to make.

I can't find it in myself to be selfish. It will hurt many people. Much more than I think or know.


Too much honesty leads to too much judgment. Something I don't need right now. Especially not from him. So indeed, there is a limit to my honesty. 

"Don't pack up and go." 

I really wish I can. Perhaps my life will be endless episodes of pack-and-go. Fight-or-flight will be constantly activated. I don't know. I really don't.


Need to keep myself busy from now on. Too much free time is bad for my mind. That freaking voice I can't get out of my head. That one that screams RUN.

I know I need to stay grounded. That is my cure.

Silence, Elise.

All is good.