I wonder...

What kind of woman am I?
What kind of woman do I want to be?

How should I live my life?
What's my philosophy in life?

What kind of food do I want in my body?
Should I become a vegetarian?
Should I start off by being a flexitarianism?

What do I want out of life?
What do I want to do?
What is my passion?

Do I love enough?
Am I selfish?
Will I ever be happy?

Will I ever fulfill my dream?
Will I get to do what I want to do?

What am I all about?
What's my purpose for existing?

If loving means hurting?
If I'll ever be ready?

Who am I?

Who is Elise?
 

Weiliang

There are some people whom you can never forget. Such as one's first love.

It's been 7 years. Yet the memories are still as vivid.

The brain is indeed a really funny thing.

Adam Kling - Get Together Tonight

Give me one reason if you got one reason said there ain't no reason that we shouldn't get together tonight.

Give me one reason if you got one reason said there ain't no reason that we shouldn't get together tonight.

Well I can see you had a rough day baby, well maybe I can loosen you up.

And I can see you need a refill baby, well maybe I can fill up your cup.

And if we do a slow song, maybe we can hold hands, dancing till the song ends,  then we'll look up.

And if our eyes meet, smiles cracking, arms don't fall, then we'll both know that we're gonna hook up.

Give me one reason if you got one reason said there ain't no reason that we shouldn't get together tonight.

Give me one reason if you got one reason said there ain't no reason that we shouldn't get together tonight.

I'm sending you an invitation, respondez-vous s'il vous plait.

I let you pick the time, day or night, there is no reason to stay home tonight.

I know that you're not pre-occupied, that you are bored and you're not tired.

Just think you can be here in a week's time. There is no reason to stay home tonight.
Come on by, anytime to say hi, night or day, day or night.
I'm always open for you. I'm hoping that you will show.

Give me one reason if you got one reason said there ain't no reason that we shouldn't get together tonight.
Give me one reason if you got one reason said there ain't no reason that we shouldn't get together tonight.

Well I can feel that there's a new day coming, something's telling me from deep down inside.
I think it's time I stop the all day yawning, something's waking up with much better signs.

And all the while, it was you, it was you and your smile, that carry me from day to day.
And I have to say, now that we are face to face, there ain't no place to run away.

Give me one reason if you got one reason said there ain't no reason that we shouldn't get together tonight.
Give me one reason if you got one reason said there ain't no reason that we shouldn't get together tonight.
 

16th February 2010

Supposedly, this date is meant to mark the start of an importantly new chapter in my life. Yet as we all know, things change. It certainly did.

2 entire years of planning and waiting blown to dust. Perhaps it is just being postponed. Perhaps it is never meant to be at all. Who knows for sure? Definitely not me.

CHANGE

We don't like it, we fear it.

But we can't stop it from coming.

We either adapt to change, or we get left behind.

It hurts to grow.

Anybody who tells you it isn't, is lying.

But here's the truth.

Sometimes, the more things change, the more they stay the same.

And sometimes, sometimes change is good.

And sometimes, change is everything.

- Grey's Anatomy

It doesn't hurt anymore when I think about it, but the occasional brush with a similar circumstance brings upon the nostalgia, which seeps in and ruffles my emotion. It can get a little upsetting, but that is all there is to it.

Time does heal. It's a game of patience. There isn't any winner or loser at the end of it, but just about a state of being. Being able to comprehend. Being able to accept. Being able to embrace. Being able to get over it. Being able to move on.

Time to go.

Thanks for being the very first thing I ever wanted in my life. Thanks for bringing me through all the great adventures, even though the ultimate destination is not reached. Thanks for everything that came along.

It is time to go.

As they like to say... Time to move on to a greener pasture.

And whether the next pasture is really greener? That, we'll see.

Feeling...

Trapped.

Like a bird in a cage.
 

Noël

Recently, I've been thinking about you.

You are always there, regardless of the distance and time. You are still there, despite what I've done to you.

I often wonder how things might have turned out if I've taken a leap of faith, but because I am selfish, I did not. I made you suffer. I pinned it all on you, with the worst excuses I can come up with. Yet despite all of that, you still stand by me. Up till today, you still make the effort for me.

Even though now you're always doing things for me in the name of "friends", I know that you still love me. Deeply. Thank you.

In another two months, time will mark the second anniversary of our acquaintance. I'll always remember how you fell in love with my humour and optimism. Even though one of those redeeming qualities has faded greatly. You saw the worst side of me, and yet you maintained that I was just under too much pressure. You take it all upon yourself.

Perhaps the greatest gift you presented to me was your patience. I always made you wait. You never walked away. Very silly of you.

No amount of apology on my part will be able to lessen the guilt I feel toward you. Perhaps I will bring those guilt with me till the very end.

Christmas. A new meaning to it. Not just because of your sacrifice, but because it is a part of who you are.

Noël.

Snow falls. Man of pure white built. The name so tenderly imprinted on the milky crusty ground.

Merci beaucoup, mon ami.

Merci beaucoup.

The Mist

This is it. The final step.

Have you ever wondered how the saying of "the heart weeps" feels like?

It's a tragic feeling. Your eyes don't shed the tears. It's the heart that's shedding those tears.

Time to put down the old frame, and to build a new one.

Goodbye...

Calm

I want this heart to stop beating because it is hurting too much.

That was what just went through my mind, and I wondered if somewhere else in the world, at this exact moment, someone else is hurting like I do. I need to write.

Was going through the list of people whom I can go to during such moment, and one by one, I cancel them out. Gave myself reasons as to why they won't be there for me. The smaller the list got, the worst I felt. Who is going to be there for you at 3AM in the morning? Can't think of anyone. So I cried even more. Feeling even worse.

Then I thought of what he wrote. "Means to be 24/7 ready for you." What sweet words, but from another man who is not my partner. From a friend.

The one person I desperately want to go to but can't, because I am so afraid that he will turn me away. That he will finally see the light of who I am, a total wreak, and rejects me.

The silence game. I can't take it anymore. It gives me bad thoughts which my mind spins stories out of. It's all just lies.

"I love you more than you can imagine. Remember that."

Lies. If you really love me, then you won't be playing the silence game. Why aren't you able to see that I'm hurting inside? Why is it that someone else whom I hardly ever meet can sense that something is wrong from just one text, but not you, who sees me daily? Is your ego really that important to you? I'm not even comparable or worthy to something so intangible and non-physical.

You open yourself up to someone, but one day they will turn around and stomp all over your exposed self.

I'm too much of a coward to end everything. I don't have the courage to cut so deep that the body won't heal. The only thing I can do is to numb myself. I want to drink. I want to feel the tiredness that envelops me with warmth. It tells me that everything will be all right. That it is all right to fall and fail. That I will stand up again. It tells me to go to sleep. To hand over myself in confidence to its blanket of security. That false sense of being protected from harm. Yes I know it's false, but at least it sooths and calms the chao within.

I want to disappear. I want to run away. I want to vanish so desperately but there's nothing I can do. Feels stuck in the middle of a two-way traffic. Fear. Too much fear.

I don't want to think and I don't want to feel anymore.

Nothing is worth it all. I can't see the light at the end. There's no fucking light like everyone says. It is bullshit. I feel so small. Like a speck of dust.

I want to be erased. Yes, people will be hurt. But they will get over it eventually. I just don't see the way out of this dark madness.

Take me away in my sleep. That will be the easiest way out.
Body, please just fail on me.
Let me go.

Get more sleep.

Received an email from the school indicating that there's a credit under my account, and whether I would like to request for a refund or to continue towards future enrolment. As much as I want to, I don't want to put myself through into finding out if there's even a chance for me to get enrolled again in future. It just pains too much to have yet another chance at hope, and to have it dashed again. Having been through it twice, I doubt there's any courage remaining for the third try.

I don't know.

I hate how things are turning out. Personally and professionally.

Speaking of which, it is better to walk away while one is still shining, rather than to fade away into obscurity. It is always better to leave a good parting impression than to screw everything up and destroy all ounce of good on your part.

I hope the fever goes away soon. Stupid viral infection.

On a parting note, I was wondering whether the pain of losing someone is diluted through the dispersion of that pain, over the lot of people who will feel the pain of that lost. Something along the line of pain sharing.

Wouldn't it be better if that is how thing works? Then the pain of losing a treasured one will be shared, and not as concentrated when dealt with individually. That will bring about another meaning to the word "society".

Thoughts are way too random and analytical. Or perhaps more philosophical.

I've been contemplating the closure of this space. It was created with a particular goal in mind, but now that the goal isn't there anymore, I don't know whether there's still any meaning in writing. It doesn't make sense to be penning down my depressive thoughts to the world, when I'm not the worst lot out there. So I ought to shut up and keep it to myself.

Sigh.

I should have ended my life when it was all shiny and bright. Right now, I'm just dull and faded. An over-washed fabric.

Not very exciting.

Good night world. I will try to love you more.

It's better to burn out than to fade away.

- Kurt Cobain

Of acceptance and letting go.

There are many things which I have to learn to let go. Otherwise, I will always be suffering in silence. Those invisible rangers stealing away a little of my soul, on a daily basis.

Please give me the wisdom to know better, and the strength to let go of things that shouldn't be held on to.

"If it's dead, don't go digging it up every five minutes to check if there's a pulse. It's dead, walk away."

- Richard Templar

Elise.

It is dead.

Accept that fact.

Let go of it.

Move on.

Create a better life.

Stop hurting.

Let go.

The more the better, the bigger the better.

The meet up with Jessica babe ignited a spark in me.

I've been cracking my brain over which area to further develop the experiences I've gathered over the past two years, with a part of me missing the glitz and attention of the artificial social world, and with my budding interest in that showy world which seems so unattainable to most. It has been on my mind for quite some time, to perhaps give it a go and explore that hectic scope which will no doubt further educate me of the many other social skills essential for survival in this economically material world.

Perhaps it is time to delve back into the pretentious spectrum and put on an act, just as everyone else is. At the very least, there's an excuse to possess an awesome wardrobe and killer collection of gorgeous footwear.

Speaking of which, I just browsed Jimmy Choo up real and personal, and it was heaven. Also, that great looking jacket from Max&Co. Not to forget, the fabulous feel of the fabric of agnès b. Materialistic heaven provides a temporary relief.

All I wanted was to be simple and natural, but it seems being complicated and made up works much better in this world we're in. So hey, why not throw in the towel, go with the flow, and have a flamboyantly good time?

Life is too short to be an earthen ware. Might as well be a porcelain vase. And an expensive one, at that.

I guess I'm sick of being a doormat. Nice, yes. But it gets you nowhere.

The End

I have just lost everything, and in all honesty, it was a huge relief. There isn't the need to keep pushing myself when the drive has long been gone, being fuelled on purely by the mentality that "I have to do it for so-and-so" and "I can't abandon the ship now".

It has gotten to the point that every single person who walked through the door, I loathe them. Those same thoughts kept running through my mind, painting a poisonous picture of every single thing. Reminded me of the day when I walked away from the office because I couldn't make myself walk through its door. The kind of crushing pressure I put on myself. It will be my downfall one day.

"Why are you so weak?"

"When will you change for the better?"

"Why do you keep beating yourself up?"

"If you can't even handle the stress here, what about that of the outside world?"

Hurtful words, but filled with truth. Brutal honesty, but I'm too tired to retaliate or defend. There is no point in doing so. Just let it wash over like a tidal wave. It hurts, but you get over it. It slapped you around, but it's momentary.

Isn't that LIFE?

Reality sucks. No one said it was awesome.

My world may feel like crap to me, but so does that of many others. So why bother whining? Why bother with justification? Why not just shut up and let it be? Sinking or swimming? If it doesn't even bother me, then it really isn't much of your business.

So what if I once shone so brightly? It's all over. It's all in the past. The past is dust. Perhaps now I just want to be dirt?

Self-satisfaction comes in many forms.

Revelation?

To find yourself, you will have to first lose yourself.

To gain a brand new perspective, you will have to first lose everything, including losing yourself.

I wonder if that's true.

Knowing

Knowing, can be a good thing. At the same time, it can be a bad thing. Whichever nature it takes, depends on how one reacts to the situation of knowing.

You might open up a can of worms which you can't deal with, leading to knowing being a bad thing. Or you can emerge a better person, by learning to deal effectively with the revelation of knowing, which makes it a good thing.

So how will I deal with this new knowledge which I've stumbled upon? I'm taking the road of effective management. Somehow I will come out of it a better person, armed with the knowledge of having known, and with much better understanding of the situation.

Knowing can be a good or bad thing, depending on how you deal with it.

P.S. I'm madly in love with John Mayer. "Battle Studies" is awesome! A pity I can't sing along. Darn it for losing my voice.

I love Life. I am truly blessed to be alive. Everyday is a blessing and a miracle.

I love Life.

Urge

Urge (noun) - a force or impulse that urges; especially : a continuing impulse toward an activity or goal.

Extracted from Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary.

"I am sick. I do not have control over my life, and the only time when I feel I do, is when I cut myself."

Reading that gave me the urge to cut myself, but fortunately, I have better sense than to submit to it.

"You are not sick. You are just a normal person who is reacting to an abnormal circumstance."

Reading that made me teared, as I was reminded of the exact same words being told to me. But somehow deep down, I feel that there is something wrong with myself. Everyday, I'm fighting and learning to purge this thought. Yet every time, I saw the girl who told.

Inner demons. They are so hard to silence once you allow them to grow.